3 Min Blog About Wasting Time

I'm tired. Very tired. Every day around dinner time I get slammed with a wave of exhaustion. It sounds like I'm complaining. I don't think I am, it's just the truth. 

I got home from church tonight and took a shower and proceded to sit on my bed looking at FB with 0 interest in it for like 20 minutes (it might have been more but I'm not willing to acknowledge if it was more) because I was too tired to get up and do anything else. I read the comments section of an MPR article without reading the actual article. Which is the worst way to read the comment section. 

So, I'm going to take approx 3 mins to write the rest of this.

When I'm real tired I waste a lot of time. I go to bed later when I'm tired. Because I'm too tired to get up and do hard things like brush my teeth or put on pjs or walk down the hall. 

Every night for the last 8.5 years or so I've asked Jesse if he would carry me to bed. He always says no. So, when you think about it, it's his fault.

Don't think about it too long.

Some funny things Aaron said in the last 24 hours

I'm too pregnant for this blog. I basically want to go to sleep during dinner now. I don't remember being this tired with Aaron, but I also didn't have a 4 year old Aaron running around or also a full time job, so there are some explanations.

Anyway, my brain isn't very creative tonight, so here's some things Aaron said in the last 24 hours or so that made me lol:

Here was a conversation from yesterday:

(picks up empty egg carton)

Aaron: We gotta hang on to this, Mom! Because we're growing EGGS!

Me: Oh wow, we're growing eggs?

Aaron: (confused) ya, you said we are growing eggplant? These are for the eggs!

Tonight's jokes:

Mom, let me tell you I joke I made.

Okay.

What does a meercat drink?

I don't know, what?

Blood.

Dad, you wanna hear a joke (whispers to me: it's going to be the same joke but this time with a frog)

What does a frog drink?

What?

Blood.

What does a bat drink?

Blood?

No, it drinks hair! 

That last one wasn't as funny, but it was surprising.

Here's one more cute one:

Me: We're having spaghetti for dinner tonight.

Aaron: I love basketti! Basketti starts with B, Baa-sketti!

There were definitely more, but I already forgot!

The internet in 2004-2005ish.

Here's my experience of the internet then:

• I had heard of wifi, but I didn't really understand how it worked. It didn't matter anyway, I had a desktop.
• MySpace was new and the best. My friend Dana visited me in my dorm room and said, "you've got to set up an account on MySpace" and then proceded to make me an account. She's now responsible for many hours I spent editing the layout of my page, figuring out how to send my friends glittery pictures that announced our friendship, picking the perfect song to be the background music on my page, ridiculous photoshoots to add, internet stalking boys I liked, subsequent fights with boys I liked over stupid things they posted to other girls, and the painstaking precision of choosing my "top 8."   
• Sometime in 2005 my college got added to Facebook, so I added one of those too. It was cool. Not as cool as MySpace though. 
• AOL Instant Messenger was the primary tool I used to communicate with my friends. My AIM screenname was Shortstuuf. I regularly left away messages that included Fall Out Boy lyrics to communicate my mood and my daily schedule so people would know where to find me and know when I was free to hang out with them.
• I never would have imagined that the internet could be on my phone one day. That was just for calling people, short text messages, and playing snake.
• My friends were downloading music from Napster and then burning it on CDs. I was too guilty to do it (it wasn't legal, right?) and also too scared of getting a computer virus.

Breakthrough

I've had this post in my head for a while. It seems deep to me, but it probably really isn't. 

A story generally follows a pattern: building of tension, conflict, climax/peak, resolution/ relief. We are people who are interested in stories, we make meaning out of stories, our lives are like unfolding stories, and we are all bound up in one giant story. But also, so much of life around us seems to follow this pattern. This struggle that reaches a peak and then breaks forth into something new. Here's a list I was thinking about one time:

• Any song worth listening to.
• Social change (injustice- conflict- building of tension until a breaking point which sometimes is the moment of change) (and also- the tension of the status quo has to be great enough for us to want to act at all)
• Emotions (builds intensity until release of tears or screams or breath and afterward our feelings often change) 
• related to the last one- emotional transformation (if we can actually sit through the really uncomfortable, painful feelings, and the intensity that can feel like too much for some, I want to believe we actually can breakthrough to something else. I heard somebody say once recently something like, "I thought it was a breakdown, but it's actually a break THROUGH)
• Sex (and literally leads to life)
• Development of relationships (building of tension, conflict, climax of the fight or conflict, new understanding, new place in relationship)
• Growing/learning/unlearning 
• Childbirth
• Exercise/ muscles growing
• A good sermon
• Plants that get strong enough to break through the dirt and bloom.
• Change in seasons  (calm, growth, life, the most beautiful time of the year with color and vibrancy, death)

Here's my deepish thought- we were created with this pattern built into us? Was life created with this pattern built into it? Is struggle the evidence of life about to breakthrough?  

Eeyore

Aaron's been real big into Winnie the Pooh this week. Real big. We listened to the soundtrack of one of the movies about 700 times. Zooey Deschanel sings in most of the songs, so it's not too bad actually. The first few hundred times at least. 

Anyway, for family movie night tonight we watched another Winnie the Pooh movie that we hadn't seen yet- it was the piglet one. And, I have some thoughts about Eeyore. 

I don't think I noticed this before, but Eeyore is pretty much homeless. The rest of his friends have these cool looking houses and Eeyore has a house that he made out of sticks and they fall over half the time. And while they all love him, include him, let him be who he is and show up how he wants to/can show up, it's kind of weird that they never see if he needs some help building a house that won't fall over or keep him warm when it's pouring rain or snowing. 

In the movie tonight there's this big scene where Piglet singlehandedly rebuilds Eeyore's house just like it was- sticks propped up against each other. They all commend Piglet and name Eeyore's house "Pooh's Corner" and then they cram inside and Eeyore says something like, "well it's pretty tight, but I think it will do." It's snowing outside and Eeyore's legs barely fit inside. And after they all give him a bear hug, they're probably going back to their houses with beds. 

I feel like there could be comparisons about the way that we often help people (and then commend ourselves afterward), but then this would definitely be more than 10% serious. 

I also wonder if Eeyore's struggles would be less if he had a warm house to live in. 

Also, I know they're all stuffed animals.

I still really love my job.

Today was the most "normal" church day I've had in a while. I mean, it was still very different because of covid, but way more normal-ly.

• I volunteered at The Open Door's fundraiser in our parking lot, welcoming people who drove up ready to pick up their soup and fun bowl. I talked to other volunteers and got to see several church people who were also volunteering or there to support the fundraiser- people who I haven't gotten to see in such a long time.
• Ate lunch with a few of my coworkers (real spread out).
• Had in impromptu conversation about grief with another volunteer.
• We had a special service for a handful of people who don't have the access for the online worship service. 
• While we recorded our Holden Evening Prayer service, some of the volunteers from the fundraiser were finishing cleaning up, so I could hear voices outside the sanctuary. Apparently that's a thing I miss and didn't realize it until tonight.
• We had youth group outside and the kids were thoughtful and funny and filled me with gratitude.

I got home and told Jesse it was one of the best days I've had in a while. It turns out I still really really love my job. It's not that I haven't continued loving my job during the pandemic. There has been joy and gratitude, and holy moments throughout this year. But my real job- the connecting with people, the impromptu sharing of life, the thoughtful and holy conversations with other people- I still really love that. Especially the super busy days like today that leave me pretty exhausted. I've missed this grateful physically tired feeling.

One day when it is safer to gather and do church the way we all long to, and go back to busy days with lots of things and people, it's really good to know that I still really love my job. 

I didn't read that book or know for sure what you're talking about, BUT...

...I WILL contribute to this conversation, somehow. 

That's probably the whole post. I don't run out of words. If there's a conversation near me, sure, I'll be in it! Do I need to know for sure what you're talking about? Nah. I'll wing it. Hopefully there will be enough context clues to find an opening to join in. I usually have an opinion. Is it a book I've never read or a movie I've never seen? Well, harder, but I could probably offer some words anyway. 

I'm more thoughtful than this post would suggest. But also, I do really like to talk. And not knowing enough to contribute to the conversation does not always stop me from contributing to the conversation. 

 

Funny things Aaron says this year

I wrote a post in 2019 and 2020 with cute things Aaron used to say if you want to go back and see them.

He's a big four year old now and so the cute and silly things he says are different now. Mostly he just sounds like a little grown up who sometimes uses words out of context. I never remember to write the funny or clever things down, so here's some things I remember off the top of my head:

• The other day he said, "mom, I had a wedgy today, and I just couldn't defeat it." I mean, it sort of works, but not quite.
• He regularly says, "You've got to be kidding me!" He said it to me last week when I hadn't seen him in a few days and I kept kissing him on the cheek. 
• We get in "I love you" wars where we try to say that we love each other more. "I love you 68 hundred 73!" "I love you as big as this house!" He's the sweetest boy I ever knew.
• He has some real quick wit that I couldn't be more proud of. This isn't the best example, but it's one I can remember- last night at bedtime I told him to tell his brain to tell his legs to stop wiggling (someone gave me that tip recently), and his response was, "Oh, well that's good, because I speak leg." and then proceeded to speak jibberish to his legs.  
• Last night he also wondered if butter came from butterflies. It's a fair question. Why ARE they named butterflies if they have nothing to do with butter?
• "I'm okay!!!" as a regular refrain to falling and wiggling into things. 
• Tonight at dinner he said exasperatedly, "Umm is there anyone here who can get me a napkin?" He regularly asks just me and Jesse if there's *anyone* who can help him with something.
• In response to, "what did you do today?" his #1 response is, "I'm not going to tell you," like a little teenager.
• "She telled me that," "I runned to you," "He readed it to me." 

He's a genuinely funny kid who cracks me up every day. His delivery and drama is what does it, which you can't read in a blog post. But one day, we'll see more humans again regularly and so many of you will get to hear his lil quips and stories and perfect ridiculousness.   

 

Office Character Percentages

We were talking about what Office characters we were like before church today (everyone prepares for worship differently). Later today I spent more time than I'm proud of deciding what characters I'm like and what percentages of each. Here's the breakdown I think I've landed on:

• 52% Pam, because I want to believe I'm a mostly endearing form of awkward and would definitely keep candy on my desk for friendship.
• 15% Michael, because I want people to like me and/or "be afraid of how much they love me"
• 10% Jim, because I'm kinda funny occasionally and because I aspire to come up with a prank as clever as that one time he sent a fax to Dwight from Future Dwight.
• 10% Erin, she's pretty bubbly and I'm like that about 10% of the time,
• 8% Andy, for regularly talking about how awesome college is and randomly singing when people don't really want me to.
• 4% Kelly, for no real reason except that I 100% want to be best friends with Mindy Kaling in real life. 
• 1% Dwight, because I watched Battlestar Galactica one time.

What's your Office character breakdown?

Things I pretend so I can cope with winter

Well, it's warming up now, so I don't need to pretend AS much. BUT, when I start getting sick of winter and snow and coats I just start pretending it isn't cold out. Here's how I do it:

• Put on more clothes than I need so that half way through my walk I get real warm. If I squint (a lot) and use my childhood imagination (a lot), the snow can partially transform into a sandy beach. I've never worn a parka and snow pants on sandy beach before, but I know vaguely what it would feel like now if I did. The first day above 0 in February, it was sunny, and I wore all the things, and half way through my walk I legitimately thought: "we should grill tonight." It was 8 degrees. 
• Sit in front of the fireplace with a tank top on. Part of what I hate about winter is that I hate wearing winter clothes. I really just want to wear a tank top and jeans. That's all I ever want to wear. Now that we have a fireplace, I just do that, and pretend the living room is hot like it would be if it were hot outside.
• Start trying on my old summer clothes or occassionally buying some new spring/summer clothes as if I'm going to wear them anytime soon. 
• When I'm not pregnant or in the middle of a pandemic, I go to the gym and use the eliptical for all of 15-20 mins and then I sit in the hot tub and steam room for a while and pretend I'm on some kind of warm vacation. 

  

  I refuse to smile when my eyelashes are covered in ice.

My real coping mechanism that I only started this year is to actually try to enjoy winter, see the beauty, be outside and play. It worked for the month of January, which is significantly longer than any other year I've lived here. My other one is to complain with people. I've met a lot of neighbors and friends while bemoaning the winter.

What do you do? 

Failure Schmailure

I don't usually resonate with the word failure. Here's some bullet points on why (it's mostly semantics):

• The word comes off static to me. And almost nothing is static, we're always changing, growing, learning, adapting, etc. (ourselves and the things we create and imagine). How can you fail when you aren't really ever done?
• Fear of failure is confusing to me, because most of the time the things people seem consider failures just aren't failures to me. Opportunity to learn and grow and try again or differently now smarter than before, sure!
• Related to the last point- I'm not sure we all have the same definition of failure. But we talk about it so much anyway!
• Similarly, our definition of success is often limited.
• And then another question- is failure for most people about lack of success?  
• The factors for why something we planned occurred differently than we imagined (or failed) are varied and some of them have nothing to do with us and our leadership at all.
• Failure seems to presume that someone is responsible, and that's not always true.

There was a definition of failure that I read earlier and liked and I think it would change a lot of our conversations if we focused on this one instead: "omission of occurance or performance" which I translated in my head as "to not act." To not act or lead or take a stand to me would actually be a failure, and I hope that I fear that kind of failure forever. 

Just put some water in a wine glass

Well, I'm not really going anywhere these days. And by these days I mean most of the last year. But I wanted to go on a date. So on Valentine's Day, I told Jesse we were going on a date. In our living room. And we had to look nice. He complied. Somewhat begrudgingly, but I'll take it! I can't have wine right now, obviously, so I took out a wine glass and put some sparkling water in it. So, I drank some water with Jesse in my living room, and we sat in chairs instead of the couch. So, that's a date that you can replicate for $0.    

The mean one.

One time I had a nemesis. Her name was Kayla. We were in seventh grade. And we didn't like each other, for no obvious reason that I can think of.

Every girl at Colina Middle School in the late nineties would draw designs on their hands with Milky Pens. I had a whole collection that I kept in my SpaceMaker. I also regularly wore butterfly clips. And pastel dyed Dickeys overalls. It was a whole asthetic. (I linked random pics of those things- for nostalgia's sake. I don't make any money on this blog by linking things. I also just don't make any money on this blog or ever try to.) 

Anyway, I'd sit in choir a few rows away from Kayla, each of us with our butterfly clips, drawing designs on our hands when we had singing breaks. We'd look over at each other and roll our eyes at each other, annoyed by everything. I remember saying passive aggressive things about her loudly enough so she could hear. She probably did the same.

I always assumed Kayla was the mean one. I just didn't like Kayla because Kayla didn't like me. She was mean to me, so I was mean back. I was totally the nice one.

One day I wasn't mean to her. I have zero memory of what I did, but it was something considerate. I smiled at her or asked if she wanted help with something, I don't know. And surprise surprise, Kayla responded warmly back. And after that, instead of glaring at each other a few rows away, sometimes we'd smile. We started to say hi when we passed each other in the hall. We didn't become besties, but also, we stopped being enemies.

Here's what I realized that time: I bet she thought I was the mean one. I bet she was mean to me because I was mean to her. I bet she just didn't like me because I didn't like her. 

It's hard to tell sometimes. And also, sometimes you're wrong. (To be clear: I'm saying that in a wise lessony way, but literally here I mean me, sometimes I'm wrong).  

In conclusion, that's why my high school senior quote was, "a smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."

In conclusion again, I'm glad butterfly clips haven't come back. I might be into the overalls though.  

Who wants to come to the pity party?

I've been having a bit of a pity party these days. I'm not super proud of it, but also, it's true. 

It's the year anniversary of when most of us reoriented our lives pretty significantly because of this virus. I look at a year ago when we were "all in this together" and making sense of all of the implications of covid, struggling together, making stupid jokes together to alleviate the tension and confusion, and sacrificing for each other, together. I believed when people said it and it gave me hope to see sidewalk chalk messages of friendship/encouragement and signs in peoples' lawns, and knowing that even if we were keeping physical space from each other, we were doing it together.

Unsurpringly though, as we hit this year mark of living with the virus, it's pretty clear that we are not all in this together anymore. Maybe we never were, but surely we aren't now. And it's complicated, there are many reasons why. I was going to list them, but we all know them all already, because we feel them and experience them in all of our relationships and in all places where community gathers or "gathers."

For me, the pity party has shown up lately in feeling left behind. I know many people can relate to that loneliness that comes from realizing that not all of us are still (or ever were?) sacrificing for the sake of the health of our neighbors or the most vulnerable around us, or the resentment that comes when we see people doing the very things we so want to do (hug people, see our families, travel, church, parties, etc.) but have chosen not to do right now. And now, the vaccine rollout which will allow some of us to get back some sense of normalcy sooner than others. 

I don't know what to say about it other than I'm a human, and you're a human. Maybe there is no experience in which we are all "in it together." Maybe we acknowledge our different experiences and try to be grateful where we are. But if you are having a pity party too, you're welcome to join me! I love parties. And you. 

ADHD

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. I've thought it for years. I've never been officially diagnosed though.  

Here's why I think this:

• I daydream a lot.
• I leave things all over the house, and get distracted and then leave them in new places.
• I think roughly 12 things at once.
• A third of my sentences begin with, "this is super random but..." (and of course it isn't actually random to me, because I had 12 quick thoughts that led me to this new thought but it all happened pretty quick and I'm not going to explain the complicated and sometimes real weird string of thoughts)
• Here's how I clean the house: wipe a single window in the living room, pick up some clothes, bring them to child's room, pick up a few things on the floor in child's room, remember that I was dusting the living room, see my floor looks dirty on the way, go to get broom, take a break and look at a text message, go on facebook for 18 hours, wipe down another window, leave out cleaning supplies for a while, etc. etc.
• Forget things, often. Well, it might actually be less forgetfulness and more being distracted. That's a different kind of forgetting, maybe?
• I learned recently that ADHD is often undiagnosed in women because it presents itself so differently from men. Typically women with ADHD more often experience symptoms of anxiety and tend to be chatty. I am both anxious and chatty. VERY CHATTY.
• Sometimes I do really get hyper. I was tonight. I had to slow myself down because I was really ansty and excited. I don't need to run all over the place, but if you could see inside my brain you would see that IT was all over the place and I was talking twice as much.
• I do not sleep well. Often because of many thoughts that pop up so fast the minute I wake up in the middle of the night. I used to think it was anxiety. It could be, but not all of my thoughts are anxious ones. There's just many of them and they feel very important at 3 am to wonder about. I've been prone to "need" to research gym memberships, preschools for my child, things to do in the summer, what the name of that one guy in that one show's name is (and then subsequently look up like 15 other actors in IMDB), and how I can get a covid vaccine sooner without lying, etc. 

Most of the time I like a lot of these things about me. I like that I'm kind of random, awkward, friendly, excited, creative and often have the ability to initiate a bunch of projects at once. Every now and then these things are a burden. Like the other day when I had too many things to do that I couldn't get myself to do any of them, it was too overwhelming. I finally wrote them in a long list and numbered them, and then it only took me 30 minutes. Or when I miss a deadline or forget something important to someone else. Or my husband has to clean up after me. AND ESPECIALLY THE SLEEP THING. 

Anyway, it would be interesting to find out if I have it. I don't know if I'd do anyting about it if I found out I did, other than the things I'm already doing (exercise, keeping a giant planner, apologize when I need to, listen, etc). But, it could be helpful! Because then instead of prefacing many of those bullet points with, "I think I probably have ADD so..." I could say, "I have ADD so..."

PS. I want you to know that in the middle of writing this, I finished compiling things for a worship service, responded to several text messages, started to pay a bill, and almost started looking up ways that I could get a covid vaccine early without lying (but decided to save that for tonight!).  

 

Becoming Part of the Couch

I told Jesse very seriously when it started getting colder out: do not let me become part of this couch. 

I know me. The cold makes me kind of lethargic. So do pandemics apparently. I knew having no where to go and no longer sitting comfortably outside would make me retreat to the couch I'm currently sitting on... and probably watch too much tv. I knew I wouldn't feel good about that. So I thought of all kinds of things that would be a better use of my time, like:

1. Puzzles

2. Coloring

3. Reading

I swear I had other things on this list. 

But then I got pregnant and became too tired to fight any impulses not to become one with this couch. But, I'm mostly okay with it. I need some rest and we did a 1000 piece puzzle the other day and I got super bored with it after day 2 and Jesse finished most of it. 

So, in conclusion: do what you gotta do to get through the worst of this pandemic and go ahead and do things that bring you joy and help you care for yourself, even if 6 months-ago-you would have judged you hard for being lazy. She doesn't know. 

Things I'm genuinely grateful for that happened because of this pandemic.

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Or at least a divinely inspired kind of reason. I wrote about this before (that's a link, it's hard to tell) if you want to read a bunch of other thoughts on it. It was like 5 years ago, but I re-read it and I still agree with me. The basic summary is this: I don't believe God gives us suffering (period. but also, specifically for some kind of reason), but I DO believe that God creates life out of death. Translated in non-faith speak: I don't think our suffering and heartache is given to us in order to teach us, bless us later, lead us down a new path... but I DO think sometimes those things happen anyway.

So, when it comes to a global pandemic, I do NOT think that God gave us this pandemic to teach us something or bless us somehow after we've grieved half a million deaths in our country alone, or as a punishment or to force us to change our ways (I also just don't believe God gave us this pandemic at all)...

BUT, like lots of you, there are things that I have learned, things that have happened, ways that I've changed and I've noticed in others as well, that are all lovely and worth being grateful for. Here's a list of some of those things:

1. I've spent more time outside than possibly any other year of my life, for sure all of the Minnesota years (going on 13 now).
2. We've done a bunch of projects around the house and our living room looks better than we hoped it would (and who are we kidding we all know that "we" here means Jesse).
3. Lots of quality time with Aaron.
4. I'm really thankful that I was working from home during the yuckiest parts of morning sickness.
5. Regular park playdates with Aaron's daycare friends and becoming friends with their parents.
6. Weekly Zoom hangout with my college besties who all live like 2,000 miles away. Why we weren't doing this for years, I have no idea. But I am so thankful we are now!
7. Creative gatherings with family and friends outside/online. Christmas outside in Minnesota was never something I would have thought of doing or wanted to do, but this year it was the safest option and it ended up being lovely and meaningful. Plus, I never get to see my CA fam on Christmas or Easter, and we got to do both because we learned about zoom. 
8. Any time together with church people is special to me. To see people show up wearing parkas and blankets wrapped around them so they can see each other outside and pray together is beautiful. It's a different level of commitment to each other that we always hope is there, and it turns out it really is.
9. Some of my CA family have been coming to our church because they can now, because it's livestreamed on youtube. Also, people who were not church people can just pop in on our services and connect to community or faith in ways that they hadn't been able to before.   
10. The ease of some meetings being online. I miss being in person, but there is a convenience to Zoom, and I kind of hope we keep some quick meetings online. 
11. I've learned to appreciate (and/or deal with) time alone, less scheduled time, and just being at home for a whole day or days at a time. These are all hard things for me, but I'm glad to have felt that change.
12. I noticed the very subtle changes in seasons from day to day (well, some days they were less subtle... it snowed and was 80 degrees in Oct I think). 
13. I have gotten to know my neighbors better while going for walks. I feel like my mom, who in our old neighborhood would be gone on her daily walk for like an hour, not because the route was that long, but because she chatted with half the neighborhood along the way. 
14. We started weekly "family movie nights" on Sundays. 
15. Some leadership skills- a little more self-differentiation, more of my own voice, making 80x the number of decisions, and clearer sense of purpose. So, that's cool.
16. One day when there is something similar to what normal used to be (maybe we'll even figure out how to do normal better), I am hopeful I will not squander or take for granted: friends, hugs, church inside (and singing!!), restaurants, travel, visiting my family, or my health for a long time.
17. I am learning how to garden!
18. I've gotten to give my kiddo a little bit of my own childhood- instead of being busy or going lots of places and spending money on activities: we hike, bike, go for walks, play games, do crafts, play in the pop up pool all summer long, etc.
19. We bought a patio heater.
20. Deeper relationships with people. Relationships are so much more intentional than they used to be. 

Well, that's long enough. I bet there are more. If I could go back in time and somehow prevent the pandemic, I would. But, that's not a thing any of us can do, so I'll try to just give thanks for the joy I've found because of it. 

1000 Hours Outside

A friend of mine told us about the 1000 Hours Outside Challenge. It's not that complicated or hard, just try to spend 1000 hours outside throughout the year. I'm pretty sure I do that every year. I try not to squander good weather sitting inside. I did that for 21 years living in CA and I REGRET IT SO MUCH. In CA it's always going to be nice the next day, and if not the next day, the day after that. So, no need to sit outside in the sunshine, you can do that tomorrow if you want. When I go out to visit, I always try to coax the family into sitting on the patio all day and going for so many walks and hikes, because I AM NOT WASTING ANYMORE BEAUTIFUL WEATHER EVER AGAIN. 

Even though I probably get 1000 hours outside every year anyway,  it's still really tough for me to get motivated to spend time outside when it's cold. I will always go for a walk. I skip a walk like once every three months. But, I generally don't hang around outside after that. Because I hate being cold. Because I'm from CA. 

This challenge has helped so much. Turns out competing with myself for more hours throughout the week works. I'm almost at 100 hours for the year. Which, isn't a TON, but for Minnesota in the winter, I am VERY PROUD OF THAT.

It's also been easy to get some hours this year because we are only really seeing people outside with this pandemic. And you know how much I want to see people. We've bundled up and gone sledding, sat around the campfire with all the clothes, had church services outside here and there during the winter- just to spend time with other humans. I still do not like winter, but for the first time since I've lived where there's a winter, I think I might not HATE it. That's a big deal.

So, you should try it! Being outside is good for your soul. When I was reading the info about the challenge there was FAQ section and one of the questions was, "What if I fail?" and the answer was something like: "Then, you win! Any opportunity you make for your family to be outside is worth it." So, go outside! And, Californians, if you're still feeling resistant, one day when I can safely travel again and get back there, I will make you. 

 

 

Small Talk and a Sweet Girl Who Loves Unicorns

Aaron's really pretty good at small talk. It's in his genes I think.   

We go for walks and he waves and yells, "hi!" to all kinds of neighbors. Today he yelled to a man walking his dog, "Hi!! My mom has a baby in her tummy!" Last week, I took him ice skating for the first time and we were struggling to get the ice skates on his feet. He looks over at a kid also putting on his ice skates and said, "I've never done this before!" and then he promptly slips and looks over again and says with a shrug, "I'm pretty clumsy. I always fall." The kid apparently wasn't used to grown up small talk from a small child and just stared at Aaron, confused.

Today I took him to the park and this sweet little girl walks up to play at the park. She had on rainbow stretchy pants, a unicorn headband with ears, and a My Little Pony sweatshirt, and she told us she was 6 years old. Aaron looks up and says, "Hi!!!" then he notices her sweatshirt and says, "I know about those ponies! I only remember a few of their names though: Rainbow Dash, Pinky Pie, Apple Jack, and..." And the little girl starts talking about her favorites. They start talking about episodes and some monsters in the show. They talked My Little Pony for like 10 mins straight and they only stopped because we had to leave. She walked over to the park sort of shy and her head down, and by the end of their interaction she was practically glowing and said, "next time you're here, you can come to my house and we can watch it together!" 

Listen, not everyone likes small talk, I know that. But watching my kid make friends with the world and bring joy to people because he is willing to say hi and start a conversation is pretty cool. I bet he could even convert some of you who hate it!  

 

Extrovert High > Caffeine

Everyone knows I'm an extrovert.

My husband is 1000% NOT an extrovert. 

I think most couples are like that, right? Our first real date Jesse looked over at me and said, "I like that you talk a lot... then I don't have to."  

I find it so interesting that he genuinely wants to fall asleep after spending a lot of time with people, because I have the opposite problem. When I'm with other humans I get this extrovert high, which feels similar to having a bunch of caffeine. In a normal year, when it's Easter morning or Christmas Eve and people are coming for church and they've invited friends and family and the building is packed, sometimes I actually get shakey from the extroverted joy I feel. It takes me hours to come down from that. 

It works best in real life, but it happens talking to friends online too. Every Thursday I play games and chat with my college besties on zoom. They're all on the west coast, so I'm two hours ahead. We meet at 9:30 and I always have to leave after an hour whether or not I'm tired, because I know that it is going to take me a WHILE to un-extrovert enough to go to sleep.

Flip side, working from home during a pandemic = VERY TIRED.

WE are not pregnant.

Me and Jesse are having another kid. Together we are. We will both be parents. We already love this kid, we both do. 

But WE are not pregnant. 

WE did not feel like vomiting most of the day for 10ish weeks straight. WE don't have to get up several times a night because a small lil cutie lives on top of our bladders. WE do not need to eat a snack in the middle of the night because we're too hungry to sleep the whole night. WE don't have swollen ankles or back pain. WE aren't both going to birth this little human. Nope, WE aren't doing those things. 

In conclusion, Jesse is not allowed to say "we are pregnant." 

I suggested several times that he be the pregnant one this time around and he insisted that is still not biologically possible for him to do that. 

(There are obviously some really amazingly beautiful and wonderful things that only I get to do, but I don't want to be braggy.)

Here's a pic of our tiny (girl?) human (from today!) that WE love:

   

     

Disney Key Changes

Well, I fell asleep tucking my son in bed again tonight and I'm real tired from growing a human, so this is going to be short.

Here's all I want to say about this: the power ballad in (just about?) every Disney movie has a perfectly placed key change to build it's dramatic effect. And it always makes me cry. Always. Is it supposed to? It doesn't even matter what the song is about, it's something to do with that key change that I start welling up. 

Here are some of the moments I could think of:

• "And the line where the sky meets the sea, it calls me..."
• "Let it go, let it go..."
• "Do you want to build a snowman?"
• "Like a shooting star, I will go the distance..."
• "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me..."
• "Can you feel the love tonight?"
• "There can be miracles, when you believe..." (that's not Disney, but that one gets me too)

Does this happen to anyone else?

Eat this, not that.

That's the name of book I that I haven't read. From the cover and skimming through it once, here's what I gather it's about- suggestions of things to eat in place of the super good but also super bad for you things, that maybe aren't quite as delicious, but also not as ineffective as denying yourself all the things you want. 

It's a helpful concept, because we aren't great at denying ourselves things. Take for instance asking the population to take several precautions for the sake of the community during a global pandemic. 

Early into the pandemic there was an article about cautioning people against the all or nothing attitude to risk-taking. They harkened back to the AIDS epidemic and how promoting abstinence only as the mitigation tactic just wasn't effective. But teaching people what they could do instead that would be significantly less risky for transmission was the game changer.

If I were going to write that book, it would actually be pretty short. Basically the "this" instead of the "that" would be do something similar, just outside or maybe online.

• Want to hang out with your friends? Just go outside (put on 12 coats if you have to!) and keep the distance that your not touchy-feeling introverted friend has always wanted you to have. 
• Go to a restaurant? Pick it up and eat outside. Eat at a not busy patio. Take it home and light a candle on your table and dress up... or wear your sweats like you actually want to.  
• Want to just go somewhere? Go somewhere outside where you won't be in crowds. Beach (sometimes), hiking, the MN Zoo when it's 0 degrees and just stay outside- you can even have the zoo all to yourself! Go for a walk, sledding, swimming, the park, whatever, just do it outside and enjoy the beautiful world you get to live in. And don't lick strangers. For so many other reasons besides a pandemic.
• Playing games with friends and it's too cold to pull that off outside or you live across the country and could only see each other with a ton of travel? Invest in some jackbox games and play over zoom. Every week. For a year! (or as often as you deem right for your people)

Basically this is a list of how I have continued to both stay sane and keep making choices that are less risky for my family and my neighbors. It's not 0 risk, but it's significantly less. Just like I'd much rather eat a giant piece of chocolate cake than the individual dove chocolates from my freezer, it's better than nothing. One day I'll be able to hug my family and my friends and invite everyone to my house and we can share food and travel and all the things. In the meantime, I'll be outside, finding some joy how I can right now.  

  
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Give it up for Lent! or don't.

Whenever someone says, "give it up for lent" in my head I imagine some kind of scene like this: an announcer yelling, "ladies and gentlemen, give it up for LENNNTTT" and Lent comes out giving high fives and smiling and feigning humility, etc. (it's wild in my brain). 

I used to give up something for Lent every year. It was basically a diet plan/ new year's resolution for the Lord, because I'd give up one of the following: candy, dessert, soda. fast food, and in more recent years limiting screen time, etc.

This year, I've heard a bunch of people joke, "I've given up enough already." Honestly, that's how I feel too after a year in this pandemic. Don't hear that too dramatically. People have given up far more than I have throughout their lifetimes and also throughout these last 12 months. But also, I am pretty tired and the idea of taking more things away just for discipline's sake just doesn't work this time. 

This year, it feels more holy (or some better word for what I'm trying to communicate) and more helpful for my faith and life to focus on the kinds of things I can add that bring joy and gratitude. I don't mean quit being cautious and stop making sacrifices for the sake of keeping people around me safe and healthy, I mean finding joy and gratitude in the things I CAN do right now, and specifically making time to do the things that I can do that make me happy. I'll write some other post about what I think those things are tomorrow or one day soon. 

So anyway, "give it up for Lent!" Or don't.      

Pregnancy Cravings

Pregnancy cravings are really weird and unlike any other food cravings I've had. It's sort of all consuming. The other day I wanted donuts so bad I almost drove around town to find a place that would sell me a donut at 9pm. The only place that seemed like a viable option was a gas station and I bet they'd be pretty stale from sitting out all day (and not that great to begin with?). So, I gave up. Jesse went out and got me donuts a couple days later and they were exactly as satisfying as my brain said they'd be. It's weird because I don't even like donuts that much. Back when we could do church inside and hang out with all our church people and eat donuts every week, I never had one. Really I don't even think I had ONE. 

Here's a pic of some Puffy Cream donuts in Eagan.
They're the best and the ones that tasted like heaven a week ago.

I never stop being hungry when I'm growing a human, and especially in the middle of the night I'll wake up really hungry. If I'm smart, I get a snack and go back to bed. If I'm too tired to get up, I just think about foods I want to eat and fantasize about getting to eat them later that day. I even did that a little bit a few minutes ago. Someone posted a link to a restaurant and I spent like 10 minutes looking over the menu and thinking about how delicious it would be if I picked up a pancake breakfast in the morning. I ate dinner like an hour ago. I don't know, it's weird. 

Here were my food cravings with Aaron:

• Taco Bell (I never gave in and ate it, but I fantasized about it often)
• Enchiladas
• A very specific piece of chocolate cake that I imagined often. That started after I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so it's hard to know if that was just a pregnancy craving or also because I knew I couldn't have it. And I didn't the rest of the pregnancy. I just thought about it every day from November to January. The day Aaron was born, my sisters went to several restaurants looking for the chocolate cake of my dreams. They found one and it was everything I hoped for and more.
• Meat, except chicken. Chicken made me want to throw up for half of the pregnancy. We were visiting some friends and stopped at the store to get some food to grill for dinner. We got to the meat counter and I literally started salivating over raw meat. It was so weird and gross to me now.

Here are my food cravings with this one:

• Donuts, especially raised ones, but I would eat just about any donut right now.
• Ice cream (I found some low carb non dairy stuff that seems slightly healthier and the baby's okay with that, though they'd probably like the real stuff better).
• Fruit. I usually don't really like fruit. Or sweet things in general (besides chocolate), but that's all this kid wants apparently. It's going to be great when I get diagnosed with GD again soon.
• A friend talked about hamburgers the other day and I super wanted that afterward. That seems to be a one time thing though. It was almost dinner.
• Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich AND fries
• I wanted a lot of Chinese food in the beginning, but that seems to have run it's course now. Fried rice still sounds really good though.
• Crunchy tacos. 
• Soup that is really hot. Like almost burns your tongue hot.

I'm sure I had more cravings with Aaron, but I don't really remember now. Obviously I am more than aware of all the foods I want to eat every second these days. 

And, now I'm going to eat a popcycle. 

Charlie's Angels

Cal Lutheran goes all out for freshman orientation. When I was a new student we had a week of mixers, games, hiking, various gatherings and several events where you'd come out with a free t-shirt. We did a fair amount of things in our orientation class (freshmen seminar maybe?), and one of those things was to put together a skit to be performed for the rest of the new freshmen class. I'm real shy. And I nervous laugh. And I'm kinda awkward. My role in our skit (which I have no idea what it was about now) was to be one of Charlie's Angels. I think the reboot was kind of cool then. Anyway, to really go all out for my character, I did a sweet kick while saying my line. But it was nighttime and the stage was kind of damp from the moisture in the air, so I slipped, flipped around, and landed on my stomach, spread eagle somehow. For like a week while trying to meet people, people would say, "oh you're that girl who really fell, huh?" Ummhmm. 

That same night there was some other event and I got pretty cold. I didn't have a sweatshirt with me and some guy noticed I was kind of shivery. So he let me borrow his sweatshirt. But there were a bunch of people and I lost him, and I didn't know his name to be able to return it. But, I know that guy now. I'm almost positive it was him at least. He's the husband of one of my besties. But by the time we were all friends, I had already given the sweatshirt to my mom, and then she got rid of it, and I never told him. Sorry Dave, I cannot return your black CLU sweatshirt. This is my confession.

...and go!

There's a certain kind of post that makes me real cringy. It's when people add "... and go!" to some topic, and make it like a race. For example:

• Favorite recipes... and go!
• Music I should be listening to right now... and go!

It's not the "and go" in and of itself that makes me cringy. I mean, a little. But it's really cringy when it's used in obscure topics that no one is excited about answering, let alone ready to fight each other to be the first to tell you. Things like:

• Nasal decongestants you use... and go!
• Recipes with broccoli... and go!

You know at graduations how some people get these giant cheers/applause/fog horns and then some people don't? And every now and then someone walks up and they put their arms out and they're ready for this giant reception and instead it's like a lone mom quietly yelling, "yay." It's kinda like that.

Alright your turn. Weird pet peeves you have... and go! 

I cringed. At myself.  

  

Do you look at yourself on Zoom?

Here are some random thoughts and questions regarding this important question:

• I learned you can hide the screen that shows your face, so you don't have to look at yourself the whole meeting. This is helpful for vanity or the opposite of vanity. 
• But sometimes it IS helpful to look at your face every now and then. Because like, what if you have food in your teeth? You know what, that's a bad example, because I actually was in a bigger zoom workshop (like 100+ people I didn't know) the other day and could see my face, and I STILL didn't notice that I had a giant black bean covering a whole tooth until after the call was done. And I spoke during this meeting. And it was recorded. 
• Here's one actual good reason: because of looking at my face while on zoom, I learned that I kinda glare when I'm thinking. If you've watched me think, you already knew that. But, it turns out I did not watch myself think regularly, so I did not know. So now, sometimes I leave my screen up during meetings so I can make sure I'm smiling more than think glaring.
• If you don't hide your face, it is actually possible not to look at yourself 50% of the time, or more? Is it and me asking this just announces that I am indeed vain? 
• You can tell what people look at themselves throughout a meeting. It isn't a mirror. I can see you fixing your hair and/or subtly smiling at yourself even. Although, when I'm hanging out with friends on zoom, I DO use it as a mirror and I DO fix my hair. I don't think I smile at myself, but you'll have to tell me.
• Somewhat related, you can also tell what people aren't looking at ANY faces on zoom, just scrolling the internet. Their eyes move all over the place and the new screen makes their face light up. 

Fahoo Fores

We did an outside Ash Wednesday service on Wednesday. It was 10 degrees. There was a campfire, but it was still 10 degrees. AND PEOPLE CAME. Some of us were even outside for like an hour and a half. We didn't put any ashes on anyone's forehead. We wore masks and kept distance. It was 10 degrees. Even still, it was so lovely. We sang songs about faith and hope and prayed and caught up with each other. At one point someone jokingly started singing, "fahoo fores, dahoo dores, welcome Christmas," but you know what? It really WAS like that magical scene from The Grinch. 

I hate this pandemic. I hate all of the things that it's stolen from us over the last almost year. I hate that it isn't safe yet to be inside with my church people and have coffee and donuts with them and watch kids running around playing with each other. But you know what? It's these simple moments over the last almost year that change something for me. The simplicity of being together and singing about hope despite all of the elements, the still showing up for each other, the still being committed to each other, that's the whole thing. That is everything I love about church. That IS church. And a lot like after the Grinch took everyone's presents and people could still sing.

I hope I don't forget that.

Want to see how many times I've taken a picture of the same pond?

I go for a walk every day. Most of my walks are around the neighborhood, and my one-ish mile route takes me to the park with a little pond. I always walk around the pond, and it's always pretty to me. And when I see something pretty, I want to take a picture of it. 

Here's all the pics of the pond since I've lived here (it's not actually ALL of them because some days I took like 7 pics- so just I just picked my fav one for those days... it's still a lot).