When people say it to me, I try to thank them because I know that it's usually coming from a kind place and meant to be comforting. What I want to do is launch into a theological discussion about everything that I think is wrong about it.
Here are a bunch of random thoughts that I have on "everything happens for a reason":
1. One of the reasons that I don't like the phrase is that while it is used with the intention of comforting, I think some people say it because they're uncomfortable with someone else's grief or struggle. Maybe they can't really handle that someone feels something they themselves wouldn't want to feel? Or maybe they want to rid themselves of that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say when someone is grieving? I'm pretty against people shutting down their grief, and I'm really pretty against people shutting down someone else's grief. Dismissing painful feelings never really brings the healing we need.
2. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Well, I guess I do in a logical sense. For example, I'm really tired right now because our infant cried a lot last night. That's a reason. But when people say "everything happens for a reason" they usually are inferring that there was a divinely orchestrated plan working itself out. Then the reason becomes that God planned this and we just don't understand what good or necessary thing is coming because of it. I have some trouble with this.
3. I don't like blaming God for my heartache. Also, attributing God with all of the suffering in the world doesn't really match up with God's character, at least not to me. I understand God to be a God of life, not death. God can create life out of death and order out of chaos, but I don't really believe that God is the one bringing death, grief, and loss to God's children.
4. In response to number 3, I understand I could be wrong. That's okay. Don't try to change my mind. For today, not believing that God causes the loss in our lives is important for my faith. One day when I get to meet God face to face, I am doubtful an error in my understanding of God's actions in the world (especially one that helps me be more open and loving to God right now) will be an issue for God and me.
5. Sometimes believing "everything happens for a reason" seems a little selfish. I've not liked this phrase for 15 years. That's because 15 years ago next month is when my best friend died. He was one of my very best friends, but he was also a lot of people's friend. He was also a son, a brother, a classmate, a nephew, a cousin, a fellow church-goer, etc. etc. to a lot of people. We packed the church at his funeral because he was that loved. So, when people would say, "everything happens for a reason" to me after he died, there was this presumption that the reason for his death had something to do with me. Like I just didn't understand God's reason for this loss yet, but one day, I was going to be able to look back and see God's purpose in it for me. His death had nothing to do with me. God did not will my friend to get in his new dirt bike and hit a parked car so that God could teach ME something or to use this moment to provide ME with some blessing in my future, etc. So many people were and are affected by his death, it's not about me.
6. Jesus never says, "everything happens for a reason." And also, it's not even in the bible anywhere else either.
7. God is the best. God's the most powerful. The most knowing. The most loving. When I was grieving, the other thing that I kept thinking about when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason is this: couldn't God think of a better way? If anyone could, it would be God.
8. A lot of people who say this would also quickly claim that we have free will. Can you really have both? It seems like it's one or the other.
9. I think SOME things might happen for a reason. Like meeting Jesse has always felt like a God thing to me. This last year for us and being led on a totally different life path seems like God. I can see God in a lot of beautiful moments in my life, and often things have happened that I haven't understood and seen blessing in later. But still EVERYthing just doesn't seem right to me.
10. I had a professor in college who would often say, "Sh*t happens, but God makes a flower out of it." It's crass, but I think it communicates what I believe better than "everything happens for a reason." I would rather believe that there isn't some divinely inspired reason for suffering, and that God meets us in our suffering and the dead places of our lives and creates life out of it. I always believe that God creates life out of death. Both in a literal way (new life because of Jesus) and figuratively (being able to see God bring healing and joy). The "sh*t happens, but God makes a flower out of it" isn't in the bible either, but I like it.
11. I've seen this phrase do a lot of damage to peoples' faith.
12. If I'm meeting with someone who is grieving and they tell me that everything happens for a reason and I think it's giving them comfort, I won't ever steal that from them. I'll only suggest they think about it differently if it's hurting their faith and their heart.
11. I've seen this phrase do a lot of damage to peoples' faith.
12. If I'm meeting with someone who is grieving and they tell me that everything happens for a reason and I think it's giving them comfort, I won't ever steal that from them. I'll only suggest they think about it differently if it's hurting their faith and their heart.
13. Who came up with this phrase?
That's all for now!
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