How I'll replace this time.

I always like doing this blog during Lent. It's kind of fun for me. This year I liked it even more, because it gave me something else to think about during this pandemic. But, it's a Lent blog, and technically it's not even Lent anymore today (happy Easter), so it's time to quit for the year. Lent might be over, but the pandemic isn't, so here's a list of things I plan to do with this free time:

1. Read books. Possibly, even the stack of books I took home from my office that are still sitting downstairs.
2. Continue to fall asleep tucking Aaron into bed. Tonight I slept for 30 mins in his tiny toddler bed.
3. Do some puzzles. A kind family from church let us borrow some because buying a puzzle during a pandemic is up there with trying to buy toilet paper. 
4. Maybe go to bed before 11:30. But, maybe not. I barely even know what day of the week it is let alone have some semblence of an adult life schedule.
5. More zoom game nights with friends and family. Why we weren't always doing this, I have no idea.
6. Finish watching Jane the Virgin and also, How I Met Your Mother (again)
7. Do some kind of artistic, crafty, creative thing. Actually I know me, what I will actually do is look at the various supplies I have to do such a thing, think about things I could make, go on Pinterest to get some ideas, accidentally look at FB, accidentally look at FB too long, decide it's too late to pull things out and make something.
8. Set some time limits on FB again and actually do things that matter. :-)
9. Have a campfire outside once it's spring again.
10. Do the free Lifetime yoga vids that I still haven't done, but told other people about.
11. I just joined some kind of wine club for the pandemic (and because I found a $100 voucher), so I'll probably sit outside and drink a wine and think about how sad it is that I can't hear as many airplanes this year.
12. Write some cards to people I like. Leave them on a table because I don't have stamps. Text those people and tell them that I made them cards and will send them eventually. 
13. Organize stuff? Think about organizing stuff?
14. Play board games with Jesse.
15. Watch all the vid messages from my friends that I'm always behind on, and maybe I will stop being behind on them.

 

Unlimited Whys

Aaron's three. He loves to ask why. Like all the other three year olds. I thought maybe we had already gone through the why phase at some point when he was two, but I was wrong. We're here. Now that he's home from daycare AND we are home, home, and home, I get asked why even more. Sometimes he is genuinely curious about things and I like to answer those whys. Sometimes I think he enjoys making me a little twitchy, which is probably genetic. Both my dad and I were born with this gift, the enjoyment of irritating people we love. Well, Aaron asks why a lot. Sometimes I am just too tired of the question that I say, "I don't know." But here's something to reflect on, I say, "I don't know" even when honestly, I DO know. When Jesse gets too tired of the question, he just makes up an answer. And that's a difference between men and women (and a sweeping generalization that may or may not be true- I don't know 😉).

Frozen 2 Soundtrack

I love Frozen 2. I was super excited when it was released on Disney+ early because I assumed he'd want to watch it all the time. He's only watched it like a half of a time. But honestly, it's more for parents than it is for kids I think. He was getting pretty antsy by the end and there are some pretty
heavy themes that he was just too little to understand.

We HAVE listened to the soundtrack 6 million times though. And some of those times are because Aaron asked for me to play it. I'm only mostly kidding, but a little bit not kidding. One time I dropped Aaron off at Grandma and Grandpa's so Jesse and I could be with friends over New Year's. It was snowing like crazy and the one hour drive to my in-laws took two each way. We listened to the Frozen 2 soundtrack the whole way... but then I listened to it the whole way back, by myself. Mostly I was just belting "Show Yourself" with Adina. I sang it so many times that the next day I lost my voice. I kept trying to convince all of my friends that I wasn't sick, because I knew exactly why I didn't have a voice, but I also didn't want to tell them why I didn't have a voice, so that was tricky.

There are like 6 songs that they sing in the movie:

The lullaby Elsa and Anna's mom sing to them which is haunting and beautiful.

Some Things Never Change- which I like because it's nostalgic and I love nostalgia.

Into the Unknown- which is beautiful and I think is generally how I feel when my life gets too static and easy and I feel this call to complicate it.

Lost in the Woods- Kristoff's power ballad about how lost he feels without Anna. It reminds me of some kind of combo of Reo Speedwagon, Journey and Richard Marx. It's great for that reason alone, but then like everyone else, I just love that for once that vulnerable, I'm lost without you song, comes from the dude.

Show Yourself- this is obviously my fav song on the soundtrack. I wouldn't have sang it for a couple hours if I didn't like it. Here's why I think it's beautiful: Elsa always feels a little on the outside because she's different from everyone else, but she hears this voice and hopes that maybe it's someone who understands her/ some who is like her. She starts off the song by telling the voice that she's been waiting to meet this person- "they're the one she's been waiting for all of her life." She tells the voice to "show yourself" but throughout the song, she is actually the one who is showing more of herself, and stepping into who she is and her power. But the line that gets me is when a memory/spirit/something of her mom sings with her and says "YOU are the one you've been waiting for" and Elsa joins in, "all of my life." I just think that's lovely and like, it speaks to my soul.

The Next Right Thing- also a beautiful and heavy song. Anna believes Elsa is dead and she feels like she's drowning in grief. Instead of looking too far ahead and wondering how she's going to make it without her big sister, she is determined that she will do "the next right thing" and just keep doing that. That seems to be the only way any of us move forward in grief.

So, we don't listen to the soundtrack as much anymore because we (I) definitely wore it out already, but there are some good things in there. 

Funny Things Aaron Says, now

Just about a year ago I wrote this post: Funny Things Aaron Says

He's a super good talker now now that he's a big "free year old" and he still says funny/cute things. Here's some things I can think of off the top of my head:

• 3= free
• "Did you even REALIZE that?"
• About 8 times during dinner: "Mom, I love you." while leaning his head and giving me a sweet cheesy smile.
• "Mooooommmm! Mommmmmmm!" What? "I don't have anything to tell you."
• He said this to my sis a couple of days ago: "You can use 'suppose' in a lot of ways! Liiiiiike I suppose you shouldn't bring along your real axe so you don't chop off your friends' heads."
• Earlier this week he said this to me: "Sometimes hope is hiding in the darkness." It was a quote from one of his books but I think my mouth still dropped a little.
• Randomly inserting book quotes into normal conversation.
• Randomly inserting a bunch of made up words into normal conversation.
• Licorice is "lick-ma-griff"
• Awesome kid logic. I was teaching him his right and left. I showed him the make an L with your fingers. I showed him the one on the left is an L, so that's how you know it's left. He said this to my sister about his left hand: "This hand makes an L, it's right (as in correct). So, this is right."
• Very seriously: "I hafta do my work."
• When given a choice between two things he doesn't really want: "nofing!"
• This conversation that happens at least once a week: "Mom, do you like cheese?" "I do, but I'm allergic. It hurts my tummy." "But you liiiiike it?" "I do, but it doesn't like me back." "Ya, I'm allergic to vegetables, they don't like me back."
• "We've never done this in a looooonnng time."
• "I haven't had this in AGES."
• "What did you said?"
• "She doos that."
• "To infinity and beyonnn!!!" 
• "Hi, I'm Buzz, you're Zurg." "I'm Anna, you're Elsa." "I'm Woody, you're Bo Peep." "I'm David, you're GOLIAFF" "I'm Owlette and you're Catboy" etc.
• While playing David and Goliath: "Goliaff, I love you." while leaning his head and giving me a cheesy smile.
• When I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, but he isn't quite in meltdown mode: "You are making me so FRUSTRATED." Why? "Because you're telling me to do things that I don't want to do!"
• Sandwich= Samawich
• This morning he yelled down the hall, "Mom do you want to know what I'm doing?" "Ya, what are you doing?" "I'm praying!" (heart melts) "What are you praying about? What are you saying to God?" "Oh, I'm not praying to God." (heart unmelts) 
• He regularly talks about his sister. He does not have a sister. 

That's all I can think of right now.

Goodbye MN Goodbyes

I love a good MN goodbye. Unless it's outside during the winter, and then I'm just rocking back and forth and inching closer and closer to my car and hoping we just wrap this up or go back inside. But, the rest of the year it's kind of nice. I actually don't mind small talk. I don't mind small talk because I just enjoy talking. My mom and I will regularly call each other and have the same conversations, but it's fun to talk so we just gladly say the same things again. Anyway, MN goodbyes. Now that we've moved most of our social interactions to zoom calls, I've noticed you really can't do a MN goodbye on zoom. Someone just ends the meeting. It always feels too quick. But I bet there are a million introverts who are PUMPED to be able to say goodbye nicely to everyone and click "end meeting" all in 3 seconds.

Fav Office Quotes

I sent my besties this quote from The Office earlier today:

Dwight Schrute:            Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.

Jim Halpert:     Does my room have cable?

Dwight Schrute:            No. And the sheets are made of fire.

Jim Halpert:     Can I change rooms?

Dwight Schrute:            Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim Halpert:     Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight Schrute:            I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim Halpert:     You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?

Dwight Schrute:            I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!

Jim Halpert:     Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight Schrute:            But I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim Halpert:     Go.

Dwight Schrute:            Eighty thousand dollars.

It’s my favorite quote from the show. The Office quotes always make me happy, so here’s some more of my favorite ones:

Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.

Michael Scott: The meeting isn't until three, but I always like to come a little early. This is where I do my haunts. Oh, look! [points to a Sbarro's] My favorite New York pizza place. I'm going to go get me a New York slice!

One time, Johanna and I took a pic in front of a Sbarro in NY in honor of this episode

Michael Scott: Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Ryan:   A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeasts and um, we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience, of what happened.

Michael Scott: Do you wanna talk about it anymore?

Ryan:   Oh it would probably take an hour and half to tell that whole story.

Michael Scott to Toby: I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

And this whiteboard:

Michael: It’s whoever, not whomever.

Ryan: No, it’s whomever…

Michael: No…whomever is never actually right.

Jim: Well, sometimes it’s right.

Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made-up word used to trick students.

Andy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.

Oscar: Obviously, it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.

Michael (to the camera): Not a native speaker.

Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say because you’re all jerks who didn’t come see my band last night.

Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?

Kevin: I don’t know.

Pam: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it’s the subject.

Phyllis: That sounds right.

Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?

Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?

Ryan: As an object…

Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.

Michael Scott: I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!!!!

(later)

Oscar:  Hey, I just wanted you to know, that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Oscar:  Still.. that's.. it's not anything.

Michael: In the future, when I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.

Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"?

Michael: Uh, yes.

Jim: Wow, that's really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.

Michael: That's what she said!

Michael Scott: Oh, how the turntables

Michael: Toby is in HR. Which, technically, means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced. So he's really not a part of his family.

Michael: What are you doing? [“Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt plays]

Dwight: [putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.

Andy: Hey, what’s the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.]

Michael: Carol?

Dwight: Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It’s riddled with Carol’s name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to “Goodbye My Lover” on computer]

Dwight: Why don’t you just buy the whole song?

Michael: I don’t have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just… I just want a little taste of it.

Dwight: Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars ’cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn’t that affect the final… How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie.

Michael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again]

Ryan: Kelly.

 Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

 Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Michael: Pam?

Pam: Yeah?

Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday?

Pam: No, I didn’t.

Michael: I, uh… I am going to be a father.

Pam: What was Oprah about?

Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.

Pam: That’s a really big decision.

Michael: I know.

Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt.

Michael: Well…

Pam: Or not adopt.

Michael: Just do it, okay?

Pam: Roy’s sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars.

Michael: Um… find out if there’s a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?

Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months.

Michael: Eight months?

Pam: Yeah.

Michael: I don’t even know if I’ll want a baby in eight months

Pam: And I feel God in this Chili's tonight.

There are so many more, but I took too much time trying to read through a million quotes to find my favorite ones. There are  lot of good quotes and I got to relive most of the seasons again. Skipped most of 5 because it's terrible. Then I decided to save some time by just using my brain and looking up the ones I already knew I liked.

What's your fav. office quote?

Ways I'm more like a dog now?

I saw something on FB that said, "and now we all understand why dogs get so excited for walks" in relation to quarantining. I laughed and thought that sounded right. Here's a list of how I'm more like a dog right now:

• The walk thing.
• Today caught myself sitting in our dog's regular spot just looking out the window at trees and stuff.
• Sitting in the sun for hours is the thing bringing me the most joy.
• The desperation for human affection/attention.
• Unexplained joy when I see people walking outside, when we get a packaged delivered, and when the neighbors are outside.
• If I could hug people again, I would definitely jump on you and hug you too long.
• What kind of dinner we might have is a big part of my day.
• Falling asleep several times during the day in different rooms of the house.
• Deeps sighs because of claustrophobia
• Agitation when my sweet three year old is yelling and running six hundred times around the island of the kitchen- which my dog understands deeply.
• I wouldn't mind if you rubbed my head.  

Well, that's all I can think of right now.

Almost Remembering

When Aaron was first born I had the brain thing that most new moms have where you can't remember any words. My brain knew that I knew a word, I'd start talking as if I knew what I was going to say, and then I'd get to a word and it's like an imaginary gate went up in my brain and I couldn't get to it. So, I'd studder a little until I figured it out or picked a new word or just gave up and said, "words are hard right now." I read something once that said that with childbirth, something actually changes in a mom's brain and you can't remember stuff as well (but the ability to find compassion goes up!). It's possible that was satire, but I really don't know, because it feels too acurate. I've never had a great memory, but there's a clear difference with how my brain worked before Aaron was born and after.

It's possible, it's actually just sleep deprivation. My memory gets worse when I'm tired. I think that's true for most people? I barely remember my first summer working at camp because I was working too much and I was too tired. I know I worked there, and I know I liked it, and I have friends because of working there, but I can't tell you much else.

Obviously when Aaron was born, we were only sleeping a couple hours at a time if we were lucky, so I was perpetually in a fog. Since then (and let's be real, probably before then too), I've had full conversations with people and not remembered them. I've also had subsequent arguments with people because I am SURE we didn't talk about the thing they are SURE we did talk about. And I can't really know if they're right or just exploiting my poor memory (also I just spent several minutes trying to remember the word exploit, which is really funny given this post).

Older folks love when I tell them I forget stuff. They always say, "oh, good, you forget stuff too!" It connects us. Also, I never run out of stories to tell. I just tell the same 7 over and over and over again. So, there are positives I guess.

But really, there's a good chance I don't remember stuff because I'm tired. I kind of hoped by the time my kid was three, he'd figure out sleeping all night. He's figured it out for a month or two at a time and then it's like starting over again (we are currently on week 3 of him waking up for like 2 hours every night and I'm getting a lil twitchy). I'm already a bad sleeper, so between him waking up, someone else in my house snoring, our dog waking us up once or twice a night to be scratched, and also I have a bladder, I really haven't sleep well in like 3.5 years.

One day I'm going to sleep. And you all don't even know how cheerful or productive I can be or how many words I actually know or that I do actually have recent memories that I can tell you about. Just you wait.

Grown up nap schedule.

Lately, I've been falling asleep when I tuck Aaron in bed. It's usually only for like 5-10 minutes, but tonight it was 45 and I was holding him in a chair and now I'm groggy and my hands are all tingly. I think the 7pm nap is part of my schedule now. Even if I don't think I'm that tired, I make it through a verse or two of a song and then I sing myself to sleep too. He seems to falls asleep first, or else he's too tired to notice that I stopped singing.

I take a morning nap too. Jesse and I have an arrangement. I get up early with Aaron. I don't really want to get up early with him, but when he wakes up and climbs into bed with us, he usually pinches my arm and lays his cheek on my cheek or drapes his entire body across the bed, covering my whole body... so it's not like I'm sleeping anymore anyway. And some mornings he's wide awake and I turn around and he has a giant, precious and slightly creepy smile (Aaron, not Jesse) and says, "hi, let's get up!" But, our deal is that if I do that, I get to go back to bed after Jesse gets out of the shower. If it's been a rough night, I take a nap before 7, but usually I fall back asleep at 7:30/45 and sleep until 8:15. I'd rather just sleep all night like a regular person, but I'll also take what I can get to be a functioning human being.

Pandemic Parodies

My colleague shared an Adele parody called, "hello from the inside" about being trapped inside because of covid. It was pretty funny and also now Adele will be in my head for the next six months or so. So, I asked the rest of the staff if they were going to write their own pandemic parody, what song would they pick and what would it be called? As a teambuilder. No one responded, so I'm going to come up with my own list, and likely develop a greater respect for Weird Al by the end. Here you go:

1. What's the date again? What's my age again? Blink 182
2. Sweatpants Paradise Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
3. Oops, I touched my face again Oops I did it again, Britney Spears
4. This one's Jesse's contribution: Livin in my room Livin on the Edge, Aerosmith
5. My Corona(virus) My Sharona, The Knack
6. Every Breath You Take (I'd just keep that one as it is, and I feel like there's a lot to work with there for the verses) Every Breath You Take, The Police
7. Too Close (again, I'd just keep that title, there's a lot to work with there) Too Close, Next
8. (Everything I do) I do it 6 feet from you (Everything I do) I do it for you, Bryan Adams
9. (Stay at) Home please, California Hotel California, The Eagles 
10. Please wash your hands (all you boys and girls) Joy to the World, Three Dog Night
11. I can't hold your hand I want to hold your hand, the Beatles
12. Outta Tissues Scar Tissue, Red Hot Chili Peppers
13. I want that TP I want it that way, Backstreet Boys
14. I don't want to catch this thing I don't want to miss a thing, Aerosmith
15. Where are the gloves Where is the love, Black Eyed Peas

I'll think of more, don't worry. 

A) dorky B) nerdy C) cool D) all of the above E) I don't care.

Here are some definitions I looked up on the google:

dork·y 
/ˈdôrkē/

adjective

1. socially inept or awkward.
"he teases all the dorky kids"

2. unfashionable.
"why would anyone wear such dorky glasses?"


nerd·y
/ˈnərdē/

adjective

1. unfashionable and socially inept or boringly studious.
"when I was a nerdy kid, I got bullied a lot"

2. characterized by an obsessive interest in something, especially technology.
"my incredibly nerdy knowledge of videogames"


cool
/ko͞ol/

adjective

1. of or at a fairly low temperature.
"it'll be a cool afternoon"

2. showing no friendliness toward a person or enthusiasm for an idea or project.
"he gave a cool reception to the suggestion for a research center"


According to these definitions, I don't quite make the cut for any of these. I'm pretty awkward, but I'd like to think it's in a more endearing way and less of a cringy one. I wouldn't say I'm fashionable, but also would anyone describe jeans and a tank top as dorky or nerdy? No one would ever call me boringly studious, I don't have the attention span for that. And what's the opposite of socially inept? Too social? Obsessive interest, well that's debatable. But my obsessive things usually last a week after I've told every one I know about a thing I like, and I'll tell you, it's never especially technology. I can't find a definition of cool that means what I think it means. I looked up cool on urban dictionary and I regret doing that. But, I'm doubtful I'm cool, either.

I feel like I'm pretty regular?

But, here's a list of things that people might say are dorky, nerdy, or cool, or all of the above:

• I watched all of the seasons of the new Battlestar Gallactica, just like Dwight.
• I swinged/ swang on the swings just about every day in college.
• I took an extra 1.5 years of biblical Greek, because I liked it.
• I was the homecoming queen in college (at my small private Lutheran college).
• I've continued to tell people about that, too many years later.
• I can quote most of Zoolander. And Billy Madison. And A Walk to Remember. 
• I sang in a choir for like 15 years.
• I just bought and am currently wearing a giant pair of clear rimmed glasses that allegedly protect my eyes from my screen. They came in a 3 pack.
• As an adult, I genuinely like Frozen 2. 
• I was the president of my high school youth group.
• I was super good at double dutch jump rope in elementary school.
• I saved my allowance money for like 4 months to get a real pair of adidas.
• I win at Cards Against Humanity almost every time I play. And then I need confession.
• I have MANY hymns memorized.
• I choreographed a dance for me and my friends to perform at the middle school talent show two years in a row (year one was to "Ready to Go" and year two was to a Smashmouth song, but I can't remember which one).
• I have friends who are doctors and professors and pastors and authors and small business owners.

Well. I think these things balance out. Probably depends on who you ask. I definitely know SEVERAL people who watched Battlestar Galactica too. And by several, I mean at least 4.

I like myself, so that's probably the thing to focus on.

Vulnerability List

Lots of things make me feel vulnerable, but they might not be the same things as you. Like for example, talking about feelings is fun to me. I think it's really fascinating to figure out why we feel what we feel. It's like being a detective or something. Turns out that's super vulnerable for a lot of people and I (often) accidentally ask too deep of questions because I don't always realize that it's too much for people. But also, don't make me act something out or force me into playing embarassing games or any sports in front of other humans. Because I will feel like I'm dying.

Here's a (not exhaustive) list of things that make me vulnerable (but not too vulnerable to put it in this blog, because I'm not about to uncomfortably overshare, and also I don't have to tell you everything): 

1. So while I am fine to share my feelings with you, do not back me into a corner to make me share stuff, or call me out in a group setting with guesses of my feelings. That's annoying and also it makes me way too vulnerable.
2. Crying in front of people. I'll do it when my body forces me or I'm moved, but generally, I'm going to avoid that like covid. It's too soon to make that into a saying, huh? Ya, it is. 
3. Exercising in public.
4. As stated above, playing sports. Any of them. I don't really know what I'm doing. I can sort of play volleyball because we played like once a month in high school youth group. I especially don't want to play with competitive people because then they're both unimpressed by me and mad that I'm losing for them.
5. Asking people to hang out with me. 
6. Preaching, sometimes. I'm trying to be it more.
7. Being sad instead of mad.
8. Being mad instead of nice.
9. Conversations about social issues or politics. 
10. Singing in front of people. Especially a very small group of people, like 1-2. 
11. Doing artistic/ creative things, but also being creative also gives me the most joy.
12. Having to throw up. Like that one time when I had to throw up off the side of the road in Washington in the very beginning of our best friends weekend trip. But, it was a *fun* way to tell them I was pregnant?  
13. Large group introductions, where you have to stand up and share your name, where you're from, etc.
14. Doing hand motions to camp songs. I WANT TO HIDE. Or a rap-like interlude in a camp song ("ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party," etc.) I'm cringing just thinking about it. 

A lot of these are things that make my life better and richer, so I have to choose to be vulnerable. Some of them don't. Like barfing. 

Set a timer.

We use this trick when we want Aaron to do something else- we set a timer. "The timer beeped" has mostly been the official authority in the house to transition to something new. It works less now that he's 3, but it still mostly works. He also thinks "3 minutes" is the perfect amount of time for a timer. Sometimes I'll tell him that I'm going to set a timer for 5 minutes and he argues back, "no, 3 minutes." and then I say, "ok, you win kid, 3 minutes." and then smile to myself. One day he'll know, right now he doesn't know.

I'm sorry that I didn't set a timer, but I'm going to do a sharp transition to grief. If you want to pause and set one for 3 minutes, go ahead, apparently that's the right amount of time if you don't want to have a meltdown. 

So, there's an article cirulating about how many of us are experiencing grief in this new world we're in- both the things that are lost right now (like seeing each other, sense of stability/normalcy) and the impending loss of people we love. Like many of you I've grieved before, plenty of times. The first time I had real grief was right now, 18 years ago, when my best friend was in a drug induced coma fighting to live, and eventually died a little less than a week later. 

My memory is fuzzy, but I remembered him being in the hospital for close to two weeks. He died on April 3. I write about this just about every year, because it's important to me and he's important to me, and also Lent (when I do this blog) is always during March, and I never don't think about him in March. I was already remembering my grief a lot this month. The memories that I have have a lot of feeling in them, but also are really blurry. I remember the day he died my mom got a call early in the morning. I knew she got the call because I could hear her crying. I knew, but I just couldn't know, so I pretended like I was still sleeping so I wouldn't have to hear it and I could keep pretending like he wasn't dead. They let me "sleep" for a while longer and finally my parents came and sat on my bed while I yelled at them to stop telling me because I didn't want to know. That memory is really dizzy to me. I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that grief is dizzy. It's like the world just starts spinning? Every time I say that to someone who's had grief, they usually nod. 

I felt that very familiar dizziness these last couple of weeks. At first I tried to talk myself out of it- like no one I know is dying right now, is it really the end of the world that you have to stay at home?, you are perfectly safe at home, tons of people have it way worse, who knows what is going to happen, etc. And those things are true, but also grief doesn't come only when your brain or other people deem it worthy, it just comes. When there's loss, there is grief. 

The best advice I ever got about grief was when I was in the early days of grieving Matt's death. One of my pastors had a lost a son years before. He said the most important thing for him in his grief was to set aside time for it. Make room for the grief. Sometimes he'd set a timer. For an hour, two, three? He'd acknowledge all that was lost, and when the timer beeped, he'd go do something else. Something that brought him joy, something that was normal, something that reminded him that he was alive. So, I did that. I'm not sure that I actually set a timer, but I carved out time for it. I wrote Matt letters of things I wished I would have said outloud, I listened to the same moody music over and over again, I watched A Walk to Remember so I could cry when I really needed to cry, thought about good memories. It helped. The time I carved out got shorter. The grief changed shape, and I didn't need to be as intentional about it as time went on. Now, it's usually just March that I need to set aside time and remember the sadness of the love that I lost. 

Anyway, I wonder if that's wise to think about right now. As a lot of us are grieving again? Stay with the grief for a while. Then do things that bring you some joy. Laugh a bunch at stupid jokes and  play- it won't diminish the gravity of the situation we're in. But if you have grief, you do have to experience the grief. Just set a timer. Maybe slightly more than 3 minutes though.  

5 mins in my brain

The most vulnerable thing about this blog is that people know for sure that I think of a lot of weird stuff. Here's five mins in my brain. I'm setting a timer.

I found a tick on me earlier.
I need to shower again.
I don't think that showering will get rid of other ticks.
I just realized why my camera on my computer didn't work earlier on a video call.
Does my throat hurt?
Do I have coronavirus?
Why did coronavirus need to hit during allergy season?
I know I just have allergies.
I sang like 12 songs to Aaron tonight. I thought he was asleep, but then he shot up and told me to sing Go Tell it On the Mountain.
My leg itches, it's probably another tick.
How do some people not want to spend all day outside when it's sunny?
I'm glad we told Aaron he couldn't go inside because we all wanted to be outside.
That sounds mean when I type it.
I'm so grateful I saw my in-laws, and I'm so nervous that we could get them sick.
I usually have more thoughts than this.
Why is everyone texting me right now?

Things I love about my church

There are a lot of things. I know because I miss them so much while we're all hiding in our homes. Here's a list of some of them:

1. They like each other. I can tell. They even stand around and talk to each other when we don't have donuts.
2. We usually have donuts though.
3. They show up for each other. There are too many examples for me to think of the right one. 
4. And now they're showing up for each other remotely. I've made a few phone calls to people and everyone I've talked to has already called other people to check in on them. One sweet man was calling people and sharing his favorite bible verse with people, because it had been helpful to him in these uncertain times. People who aren't techy have been doing their best to figure it out anyway so they can see their people. 
5. They're good at cheering each other on online. They were good at it already, but it feels extra valuable right now.
6. They love kids and let kids be kids. One of my first weeks at Mount Calvary my then 2- year old ran up to the altar and I held him the rest of the service while he wiggled in my arm and tried to grab the microphone, and someone thanked me afterward for being a mom and a pastor at the same time. 
7. They don't try to do all the things. They do things with intention and consideration, and find ways to include people in the things they care about. 
8. They take initiative and are willing to lead and offer their time and their gifts. I’ve yet to have someone offer up an idea to me without being willing to lead it or help make it happen. It’s really beautiful to me to see people try out things they care about.
9. My coworkers. We've sent each other about a million text messages this week and only like half of them were from me. 
10. We don't have a bunch of old donated floral couches.
11. They care about the surrounding community. They started the food shelf in town, which has now become The Open Door, and TOD feeds 6000 people a month all over Dakota County.
12. My colleague has become a good friend to me. I’m not sure if that’s rare, but it seems like it might be rare.
13. They're really generous. This summer we had a goal of raising $4000 for The Open Door, and in a month they raised $6000. Also, people keep coming to me telling me they'd like to anonymously pay for students' summer trips if they could use some help.
14. Several people started a young adult group when they were in college and they've just kept meeting because they love each other and are mostly in their mid-30s now. 
15. People volunteered to chaperone the HS youth gathering that's happening in 2021… last summer.
16. We did a storytelling & music event that was beautiful to me. People were brave and shared stories that told more about who they are, or offered music that spoke to them. 
17. At that storytelling event, one of the speakers told a story about a more fundy Christian leader telling him some pretty terrible things about LGBTQ folks and he said, “I want to raise my daughter in this church, because you will NEVER tell her something like that.” And they won’t.
18. They’re really adaptable about worship times. I’ve never known a congregation that’s changed worship times so many times and are mostly fine with it.
19. A group of volunteers assembled over the summer with so much excitement about Sunday school and reaching out to kids and families, that they organized this whole, beautiful thing for Sunday mornings with many moving parts and it came together the perfectly imperfect kind of way that seems extra holy. Also, some of the leaders wrote the whole curriculum for the year. And volunteered to lead based on their gifts. I cry just about every time I think about it.
20. Our confirmation students know the general story of the Old Testament and I feel proud that helped with that.
21. We have some seriously amazing singers and musicians.
22. I feel like I can be me here. 
23. They are really kind, fun, funny, thoughtful, lovely people. And I really like them.

This got long. I have so many more though.

Things I forgot to do before we started social distancing.

1. Get a haircut
2. Hug everyone too long 6 extra times.
3. Buy things like puzzles. I actually didn't forget. I didn't think I'd ever want puzzles, but now I do want puzzles. I ordered some online. They are surprisingly expensive.
4. To go to the library and get a bunch of real books made of paper. I thought I'd just download some on my kindle, but I forgot that I was going to want to avoid screens after I moved most of my social life on to them. Now the only real books I have to read are all the ones I bought for seminary. And they say stuff like missional in them.
5. Buy a giant poster board for the life schedule I'm supposed to make for my child. Some parents are being over achievers, but I actually do really like those thoughtful schedules parents have been making for their kids and I'd like to jump on the bandwagon, but if I do, it's going to be on some scrap paper I ripped out of an old notebook. 
6. To go to Costco. I know it's open, but I do not want to go to there. Sorry Dad. 
7. Get more wine. Can I get more wine somewhere? Without going inside? I can't do it on my Cub order. I already tried.
8. To buy a big wall calendar so I would know what day it is. 

I forget the rest.

How will our speech evolve in the next year?

I'm sure that it will. I hope it is in a good way. We don't know how long social distancing will last but I'm trying to brace myself for doing this on and off for a year, maybe more. I sort of wrote about this already, but I realized that I am much more reliant on non-verbal communication to express care than I thought- a hug, reaching out and hitting someone's arm when something's really funny, being able to make eye contact, etc.-all of which are either impossible or don't translate well over the internet. I keep wondering if I will adapt to this new life with expressing care better with words? And will we collectively evolve our speech that way? Or will we do the opposite and after not receiving the non-verbal cues of care assume that we're cared for less and express less of it ourselves? Or utilize gifs as a cheap substitute until they don't seem as cheap anymore? Or some in between that I don't seem to have the imagination for right now? 

I'd like to teach you about waving.

In order to feel less like a crazy person, I've been going for long walks every day. I did that pre-pandemic too, but they've gotten longer. Understandably, there are easily twice as many people out walking in the neighborhood as usual. Just seeing other humans nearby makes me so happy. I always smile and wave at everyone. I did that pre-pandemic too, but I've tried to be more intentional about it lately because I'm projecting my need for a hug on everyone else (but also, projection aside, I really do think everyone needs a hug at least half as much as I do). 

But, this part is so weird to me: so many people keep looking down at the ground and not making eye contact. As if you might catch it by waving. I'm not a medical expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't get COVID-19 from making eye contact or smiling or waving when you're on the other side of the street. That's never been listed as one of the ways to transmit it that I've seen. It's good that we're being cautious of each other and good to keep our distance, but if you've already decided to take the risk and go outside where other humans have walked and are out walking, acknowledging that you see another human being won't be the thing that gets you sick. 

We gotta acknowledge each other. So that we don't become hermits. Or develop more facial twitches. And also because we don't hate each other. And we're neighbors!

I can tell you more about waving. All you have to do is slightly elevate an arm and move it from one side to another side. There are actually a lot of different kinds of waves. You could practice new ones every day. Homecoming queen style? Super enthusiastic? One that communicates we're about to be friends in several months when we can stand close enough to each other to hear the answer to "hey, how's it going?" A wave with the same level of enthusiasm as Daria trying to hit a volleyball? Head nod? Air fist bump? Just a quick movement of your hand that just barely qualifies as a wave? Be creative.

Too tired? In a pinch, you could even do an empathetic nod. Or a half smile and a mouthed hi.

We're in this together. The least we could do is wave.

  

Sing when your spirit is down.

Hands down the most holy part of my day is singing Aaron to sleep every night. If he hasn't napped, he will usually fall asleep in my arms on his chair, which is sweet and fills me with gratitude. His favorite songs have been:

• Jesus Loves Me/ Alleluia (the campy pretty one)
• Go Tell it on the Mountain
• Silent Night (all three verses)
• Jingle Bells
• Jingle Bell Rock 
• Rudolph (we have been singing Christmas songs for about six months now)
• More Precious Than Silver
• Go in Peace

He also really likes when Jesse sings him, "Up Above My Head." It has to be Jesse though. I tried to sing it the other day and he said, "no, that's dad's song for me."

Tonight he was too tired to pick, so I sang a few of my favorite old camp songs- the ones that we'd sing on the living room floor of my friends' houses in high school youth group. Those songs are always special to me. They were the songs that taught me things about my faith and they hold all of these memories of feeling the most loved and grateful. It was the first time all day the elephant of grief/anxiety/whatever this alternate reality is doing to all of us/etc. got off my chest. I forgot that when I sing, something happens to me and I feel whole again. That sounds super cheesy, but whatever. You don't know how I feel. And what I feel is better.

The song that made me the most glad is called "Joy." I've scoured the interwebs and have yet to find it anywhere besides my SLL songbook that has clipart in it. 

Here are the words, the tune is prettier:

Sing when your spirit is down

Run when your mind is weary

Love when the world despises you

and pray, to receive a very strong feeling

and a very strong mind

and a friendship that will last a very long time

Trust when you've given up hope

Wait when you are impatient

Give when your goods mean much to you

And look to the cross on calvary

it will give you a peace

and a lifetime of a joy that never will cease

I like it. It helped me remember to have joy today when I've mostly just been sad.   

Narcissim Test

A few years ago it was cool to have FB generate a word collage of your most used words. The bigger the words are in the collage, the more you use them. Do you know what word was in the middle and the largest? It wasn't a word actually, it was just "I." A little convicting. So then I noticed how often I say and type I. It's a lot. It seems more honest to tell my own stories instead of other people's, so I tell more of my own. I don't like to say things too matter-of-factly, because we're in a postmodern age and speaking our own truths and stuff, so I stick with the wise, "I think/believe/hope/wonder," etc. etc. Similarly, I tend to share my reactions to things vs share opinions, ie.: "this made me laugh so much" vs. "this is so funny." This blog's number one used word is also probably I. I've already said I 12ish times, I didn't count very closely (13). So, I talk about myself a lot. How do you know if you just happen to talk about yourself a lot or if you're a narcissist? I didn't know. So, I took a FB test a few years ago called, "How much of a narcissist are you?" I don't know the algorithms, but I'm pretty sure you move up to a certain threshold just for taking the quiz, and another amount for taking FB quizzes in adulthood at all. I will tell you the score- I was just shy of regular American narcissim. Which was a sign of a relief and some amount of despair for our nation. 

  

Face Twitch

This week has been about twelve weeks. I've developed two face twitches. One just above my upper lip on the left, and another on my right eyelid. I've never had one not on my eye before, so the cheek/lip one is kind of cool. It's seems shy though, because everytime I try to show people it stops twitching. I actually developed it a few weeks ago when our daycare provider was on vacation and me and Jesse were trying to work full time and watch Aaron full time. It was a really stressful week. It took a few weeks off and now it's back. I expect it to last as long as social distancing lasts. Also, I want to laugh at a few weeks ago me for thinking one week without daycare was a hard week. I didn't even know. I hope next week me doesn't look back at this week me and tell me that I also didn't know what was hard. But I'm afraid she might.

Celebrities I've Seen

Here are some celebrities and "celebrities" I've seen:

When I was in elementary school or middle school, I saw Sabrina's frenemy from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I don't even remember her name on the show, let alone her actual name. We were at the beach- Sycamore Cove- and I was elated.

Also in elementary school or middle school, I saw Cloris Leachman, who I recognized as the grandma from Double Double Toil and Trouble, starring the Olsen twins.

I went to middle school with Ashley and Ross Malinger- Ashley was on the one season of the Tony Danza Show, Ross was the little boy in Sleepless in Seattle.

I walked into Mischa Barton at the airport Starbucks. Like we actually walked into each other. Like a meet-cute, probably.

That same day at the airport, I was standing right next to Steve Carell, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS YET!

Speaking of The Office, (after I became obsessed with The Office and definitely knew who Steve Carell was) Stanley came in to the restaurant I was working at, and I was so excited but also wanted to play it cool, so I didn't make any eye contact.

Dane Cook made an appearance at The Laugh Factory and he walked out when we did. My friend Madison, who is the friendliest person alive, said hi to him and he was not nice. Or very funny.

I see Josh Banday on commercials and tv shows all the time and it makes me so happy and proud that I know him.

Shia LaBeouf was sitting behind me and Stephanie at our high school football game. He leaned over us to sign some guy's shirt or chest or something.

Tahj Mowry danced near me at a homecoming dance. We would've gone to school together except that I had transferred to a different high school the year before he transferred to my old one.

That's all I can think of!

Don't Go, Jason Waterfall.

This will be a short one. My fav song in 5th grade was "Don't Go, Jason Waterfall" by TLC. Oh, you remember that song being called, "don't go chasin' waterfalls"? Ya, no one told me. I thought it was a sad love song where TLC was begging Jason Waterfall to not leave, because he was the one. The rest of the words don't make that interpretation make a lot of sense, but I was in 5th grade, so it didn't matter if the lyrics made a lot of sense.

What did matter is that there were many days at recess that'd we'd play TLC and "perform" this song. I would put on my baggie checkered pants and my white vans that had a hole where the big toe is, and I'd be ready. I had the distinct privilege of getting to be Left Eye (may she rest in peace). She did the rapping. I didn't know any of the rapping part of that song, but I confidently mumbled until we could get back to the "Dooon't goo Jassssson Wattterfall" part.

If you were a chip, what chip would you be? and other get to know you questions that I'm about to make up.

Well, we're all hiding out at home and not leaving much and not seeing in person too many other people and reading too many things on the internet and getting too anxious. FB/ Twitter (I've only been on it like 3 times and it was like 8 years ago)/ other cooler social media platforms I don't know too much about are great at sharing articles about COVID-19 right now. Really really really good at it. And it's a good place to share em. I've been on FB a bunch because I want to know what is happening in other humans' lives (also, I'm only on like day 5 of this), and several times I've only read things about coronavirus. I'm pretty much exclusively talking about it with my friends (remotely), and you know what, I want to talk about some other things too.

Here are some get to know you questions that I'm about to make up right now, to give us some conversation starters:

1. If you were a chip, what chip would you be?
2. What's the name of your childhood stuffed animal?
3. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?
4. Do you like bubble gum? Why? Why not?
5. Winery or brewery? You can't just say "yes"
6. Bees? 
7. What brand of facewash do you use? 
8. What's the best pen to write with?
9. What song(s) always make you happy?
10. Where's the prettiest place you've been?
11. If you had to do one dance on repeat for an hour, which would you pick out of the following: the macarena, the chicken dance, the cha cha slide, the cupid shuffle, the tush push, or the electric slide? 
12. What's more unbearable for you: 20 degrees in a not-quite warm enough coat or 95 and you've already taken off all of the appropriate amount of clothes for the context you're in.
13. What did you play most of the time in 5th grade?
14. What's your go-to snack?
15. If no one thought it was deviant or edgy, what color would you dye your hair?

I might start posting these on the internet so we can just take a couple minute break from all the craziness and because I think we miss each other.

Stuff I used to eat before we got married

Tonight we ate some Trader Joe's orange chicken and I was remembering how in seminary I would buy that, except that instead of eating that with side items like a normal person, I would heat it up in the microwave (which is the grossest way to cook it) and then I'd just eat that. Like half to two-thirds of the pack and call that dinner. I stopped eating a lot of gross things when I got married. Here's a list of stuff I used to eat but either don't or can't anymore:

• Taco Bell, twice a week
• Trader Joe's taquitos (I've had like a total of 10 in the last 7 years, so it's on the list).
• When I ate vegetables, they'd be a mix of things from a salad bar that I'd just eat little bits of each day and keep for a week or until things got a little wilty.
• The orange chicken thing.
• "Spicy rice"- this was also a seminary thing, to save money I'd buy the one dollar bowl of rice and then I'd put butter and sriracha in it. It was good, like one dollar good.
• Popcorn chicken and popcorn shrimp. It's mostly breading and so good.
• Buffalo Wild Wings. I quit once when my friend Heather and I were going too often for second dinner and our pants started getting weirdly tighter. 
• In college I ate Tina's burritos (they were FIVE for a DOLLAR) and the salads that they were going to throw away at the end of the day at the restaurant I worked at, and CLU's famous, beloved, and now gone forever "chicken strips of fire."  

It's weird, I used to have constant stomach aches. They started going away after we got married and ate (mostly) grown up food. It's hard to know if there's a correlation or not.

A Bottle of Care

We stopped hugging and shaking hands in church a couple weeks ago. It was the most loving (and wise) thing to do. But, a hug or reaching a hand out seems to communicate care in ways that I'm not as good at with words. I need to find out ways to do that better with words. I need to do that regardless of coronavirus, because some people don't like to shake hands or hug and I want them to know that I care about them too.

I feel this similar inadequacy when people are grieving. I don't have nothing to say, but most of the time the words I can think of just fall short and feel trite. I am good at being empathetic. I cry regularly when other other people are sad. But I try not to let them know that, because I don't want to steal their time to be sad. I think of them often and try to imagine what they are going through and the complexities of their loss and all of the subsequent losses, but that seems like a weird thing to tell someone who is grieving, and again, like you're trying to steal their grief that rightfully belongs to them. But I do wish I could bottle up the love and the care that I have for people and then just hand them that. Because a card doesn't quite do it. Or a phone call. Or even a hug. Or a serious look on your face. It's all trite. I'm not saying we should stop doing those things. We shouldn't, they're the only things we have. But, it would be really nice if we could just put all the love in a mason jar and hand it over with a flower. And then, when they'd open it up, they could just feel your love and gratitude and empathy and sypathy and care and then they'd know that you're with them. Maybe you could set it on a timer for a certain amount of seconds. The less touchy feely people would probably just prefer a card, or like a 1 second care-bottle.

Insomnia Articles

I'm not a great sleeper. I love to sleep, but I'm not great at staying asleep.

Some of it's my brain.
Some of it's my bladder.
Some of it's some snoring that happens at our house.
Some of it is a little one who wakes up at 1:00 am asking for snuggles.
Some of it's because my side of the bed got too hot and now I'm too hot and my husband is a furnace and I can't sleep until I leave the bed for a while because it's not a big enough bed to roll over to a colder part of the bed.

My sleeping issues are multi-faceted.

When I can't sleep, and I've been trying to fall asleep for a while, sometimes I get weak and I look up articles about insomnia on my phone. 3am Kelli always has hope that there's something magical I can do to just fall back asleep instantly, and despite the fact that I've already read all of the insomnia articles that exist on the internet, maybe tonight there's just one article with the magic tricks in it waiting to be read. 

I've read a lot of insomnia articles and you know what the first thing is that they all say? Sleep is really important. You should sleep 8 hours a night.

Well, yes. Thank you insomnia article. This is the new information I was hoping for.

The second thing they say is not to look at screens because the light can wake you up even more. Of course I know this, so now I'm ashamed.

Thanks insomnia article, but YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

And now my brain is awake so it asks, "what should we think about?" and "you already looked at your phone, so the damage is done, what else should we wonder about (and then look up the answers to on the phone you aren't supposed to be looking at)?" to which the answers are endless.

I wonder what happened to that girl from middle school.
What's the weather going to be like tomorrow?
What about the end of the week?
I hate winter, should I look up houses by my best friend's house in CA?
Well, I can't afford anything in CA, I wonder where I'm at with my student loans?
Research the snowball method for loan repayment.
Oh ya, I want to order a dress for that wedding.
My throat hurts, did I accidentally spread coronavirus to everyone I love and all the vulnerable people of the world?
Various opinions of social/ political issues and what do I think about the issue and how would I construct the perfect response and who would love me and hate me for saying it, and also there's likely glaring information I don't have yet (research all of the glaring information I don't have yet, mostly by reading angry fb posts).

And then in between "necessary" 3am research, here's a few things I might think of:
I just remembered I said something to someone that might have been weird? Do they think that I said it weird? Or I was I mean? Were they annoyed and I'm just noticing it? Should I ask them? (Imagine various scenarios and conversations.)
I just remembered 18 things I wanted to get done at work yesterday and I only have every other day this week to do them, but how will I do it? Think about a good schedule to do things tomorrow (tomorrow will reveal those 18 things were really like 5 things and they took a half hour to do).
Try not to be mad at everyone else in my family because I'm awake and they may or may not have contributed to me being awake. Feel bad about feeling mad.

The rest of the insomnia night schedule looks like this:

Go have a snack. And some water.

Fall back asleep at 5:15.

Aaron is awake at 5:45 and ready to snuggle, again. With his face on top of my face.

Take a 20 minute nap after everyone is awake so that I'm not a zombie. Or at least be a more cheerful zombie.

The moral of this story is to never look up insomnia articles. Or how being an anxious person affects your sleep. Or why you shouldn't drink too much water before bed.

Deep Thoughts About Frozen 1

Here’s some deep thoughts and regular thoughts about Frozen 1, but mostly regular:

• I know the favorite song in Frozen 1 is supposed to be "Let It Go." It's a good song, and obviously made better because of Idina, but I think the most moving (and also underrated) song in the movie is the reprise of "For the First Time in Forever." (Here are the lyrics- it's a duet between Anna & Elsa). The reason I think this song is so powerful is because it reveals Anna's loneliness is mostly about her sister's rejection and she is begging to not go back to that, but even more so because Elsa is discovering that she can't actually be free of the consequences of her powers, even if she runs as far away as possible. 
• The movie addresses generational trauma and the things you wish you wouldn’t pass on to your kids. Anna and Elsa have suffered because of their parents' understandable fear of Elsa's powers. And even though their fear is understandable and even though they had good intentions and wanted to protect their kids (and themselves from the number of scenarios that could be heartbreaking for them), most of us would call shutting out the outside world (and literally shutting all the windows and doors) and ensuring that your eldest daughter stay in her room a form of child abuse in any current context. So, Elsa inherits her parents' fear that she could hurt people, especially Anna, which would be the most painful thing she could do (to herself and the people she loves). And Anna lives with the rejection and loneliness of that isolation that she never understood.
• Anna obvi has some attachment issues.
• Hans takes advantage of Anna’s desperation for human contact and love and commitment and avoidance of loneliness, which is what lots of mean people do to vulnerable people.
• While this movie seems like the main theme would be from the main song- to “let it go,” it’s really about finding how to redeem/heal/come back from/etc. etc. when your worst fears are realized. After Elsa is finally found out, it's like a relief to not hide herself or restrain herself/ her powers, but it also means trading in hiding for running away. The real tagline of the movie is "love thaws." Love is the thing that heals fear and loss and hurt, and frozen siblings.
• Also, fear hardens hearts like ice, love does the opposite.
• Do we ever get to figure out who Kristoff’s parents are? Are one of those cutting guys in the beginning his dad? Or are they some negligent caretakers who abandon him? 
• The “cutting song” (aka Frozen Heart) has some nice foreshadowing for the rest of the movie.
•  My 3-year-old likes to play Anna & Elsa a lot, but he also likes to pretend he’s Hans when he’s watching the movie. I always remind him that Hans is kind of the bad guy in the movie and he responds with, “not yet, he’s still nice in this part.” So, that’s an interesting thought.
• They don’t really do much with the death of Anna and Elsa’s parents. Do they grieve? For more than a minute during a song?
• Does Elsa unfreeze Anna or does Anna unfreeze herself? Is it Elsa's love and grief that warms Anna, or is it Anna's act of love/ sacrifice that does it? Both? 
• Kristoff never seems impressed that Anna is a princess/ grew up in a castle and Anna is never put off that Kristoff is abandoned and raised by Trolls. I appreciate that.
• All of the characters fare pretty well considering their childhoods. There would be a lot more therapy if this were real life. And also less magical ice.
• Yes, we do watch this movie a lot. 
• Do you think I could write a sermon or two out of this? I feel like there are some themes I could work with.

Bedtime Planner

Here's a practice that I do every night before bed:

I write things I'm grateful for, then I write down something fun that I did that day, something that I did that took some courage (which has mostly revealed that I have a decent amount of social anxiety), and then I write/draw some prayers (and I try to listen for a couple mins). I put all of these things in one handy book- it's one of those disc notebooks and then I printed the pages.

Here's what it looks like:

A friend gave me a gratitude journal 5 years ago and there was space for the same day for 5 years. I loved looking back and where life was at when I first started the practice and each year after. I was running out of space, so I made a new one with a few extra things. Hopefully I keep doing this for 4 years so I get the joy of looking back. Also, seeing YEARS of things that I've been grateful for does give some hope for the future and that there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for.

40 pics

I don't know why I did this, but at the beginning of the year I thought it would be fun to see if I could find my favorite picture from each year of the last decade. I couldn't pick one, so it turned into four each year. I never did anything with them, so I'll put them here so that it seems like I wasted less time doing that. I still wasted time, but now it's less.

2010:

2011:

2012:

2013:

2014:

2015:

2016:

2017:

2018:

2019: