Almost Remembering

When Aaron was first born I had the brain thing that most new moms have where you can't remember any words. My brain knew that I knew a word, I'd start talking as if I knew what I was going to say, and then I'd get to a word and it's like an imaginary gate went up in my brain and I couldn't get to it. So, I'd studder a little until I figured it out or picked a new word or just gave up and said, "words are hard right now." I read something once that said that with childbirth, something actually changes in a mom's brain and you can't remember stuff as well (but the ability to find compassion goes up!). It's possible that was satire, but I really don't know, because it feels too acurate. I've never had a great memory, but there's a clear difference with how my brain worked before Aaron was born and after.

It's possible, it's actually just sleep deprivation. My memory gets worse when I'm tired. I think that's true for most people? I barely remember my first summer working at camp because I was working too much and I was too tired. I know I worked there, and I know I liked it, and I have friends because of working there, but I can't tell you much else.

Obviously when Aaron was born, we were only sleeping a couple hours at a time if we were lucky, so I was perpetually in a fog. Since then (and let's be real, probably before then too), I've had full conversations with people and not remembered them. I've also had subsequent arguments with people because I am SURE we didn't talk about the thing they are SURE we did talk about. And I can't really know if they're right or just exploiting my poor memory (also I just spent several minutes trying to remember the word exploit, which is really funny given this post).

Older folks love when I tell them I forget stuff. They always say, "oh, good, you forget stuff too!" It connects us. Also, I never run out of stories to tell. I just tell the same 7 over and over and over again. So, there are positives I guess.

But really, there's a good chance I don't remember stuff because I'm tired. I kind of hoped by the time my kid was three, he'd figure out sleeping all night. He's figured it out for a month or two at a time and then it's like starting over again (we are currently on week 3 of him waking up for like 2 hours every night and I'm getting a lil twitchy). I'm already a bad sleeper, so between him waking up, someone else in my house snoring, our dog waking us up once or twice a night to be scratched, and also I have a bladder, I really haven't sleep well in like 3.5 years.

One day I'm going to sleep. And you all don't even know how cheerful or productive I can be or how many words I actually know or that I do actually have recent memories that I can tell you about. Just you wait.