The mean one.

One time I had a nemesis. Her name was Kayla. We were in seventh grade. And we didn't like each other, for no obvious reason that I can think of.

Every girl at Colina Middle School in the late nineties would draw designs on their hands with Milky Pens. I had a whole collection that I kept in my SpaceMaker. I also regularly wore butterfly clips. And pastel dyed Dickeys overalls. It was a whole asthetic. (I linked random pics of those things- for nostalgia's sake. I don't make any money on this blog by linking things. I also just don't make any money on this blog or ever try to.) 

Anyway, I'd sit in choir a few rows away from Kayla, each of us with our butterfly clips, drawing designs on our hands when we had singing breaks. We'd look over at each other and roll our eyes at each other, annoyed by everything. I remember saying passive aggressive things about her loudly enough so she could hear. She probably did the same.

I always assumed Kayla was the mean one. I just didn't like Kayla because Kayla didn't like me. She was mean to me, so I was mean back. I was totally the nice one.

One day I wasn't mean to her. I have zero memory of what I did, but it was something considerate. I smiled at her or asked if she wanted help with something, I don't know. And surprise surprise, Kayla responded warmly back. And after that, instead of glaring at each other a few rows away, sometimes we'd smile. We started to say hi when we passed each other in the hall. We didn't become besties, but also, we stopped being enemies.

Here's what I realized that time: I bet she thought I was the mean one. I bet she was mean to me because I was mean to her. I bet she just didn't like me because I didn't like her. 

It's hard to tell sometimes. And also, sometimes you're wrong. (To be clear: I'm saying that in a wise lessony way, but literally here I mean me, sometimes I'm wrong).  

In conclusion, that's why my high school senior quote was, "a smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."

In conclusion again, I'm glad butterfly clips haven't come back. I might be into the overalls though.  

Who wants to come to the pity party?

I've been having a bit of a pity party these days. I'm not super proud of it, but also, it's true. 

It's the year anniversary of when most of us reoriented our lives pretty significantly because of this virus. I look at a year ago when we were "all in this together" and making sense of all of the implications of covid, struggling together, making stupid jokes together to alleviate the tension and confusion, and sacrificing for each other, together. I believed when people said it and it gave me hope to see sidewalk chalk messages of friendship/encouragement and signs in peoples' lawns, and knowing that even if we were keeping physical space from each other, we were doing it together.

Unsurpringly though, as we hit this year mark of living with the virus, it's pretty clear that we are not all in this together anymore. Maybe we never were, but surely we aren't now. And it's complicated, there are many reasons why. I was going to list them, but we all know them all already, because we feel them and experience them in all of our relationships and in all places where community gathers or "gathers."

For me, the pity party has shown up lately in feeling left behind. I know many people can relate to that loneliness that comes from realizing that not all of us are still (or ever were?) sacrificing for the sake of the health of our neighbors or the most vulnerable around us, or the resentment that comes when we see people doing the very things we so want to do (hug people, see our families, travel, church, parties, etc.) but have chosen not to do right now. And now, the vaccine rollout which will allow some of us to get back some sense of normalcy sooner than others. 

I don't know what to say about it other than I'm a human, and you're a human. Maybe there is no experience in which we are all "in it together." Maybe we acknowledge our different experiences and try to be grateful where we are. But if you are having a pity party too, you're welcome to join me! I love parties. And you. 

ADHD

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. I've thought it for years. I've never been officially diagnosed though.  

Here's why I think this:

• I daydream a lot.
• I leave things all over the house, and get distracted and then leave them in new places.
• I think roughly 12 things at once.
• A third of my sentences begin with, "this is super random but..." (and of course it isn't actually random to me, because I had 12 quick thoughts that led me to this new thought but it all happened pretty quick and I'm not going to explain the complicated and sometimes real weird string of thoughts)
• Here's how I clean the house: wipe a single window in the living room, pick up some clothes, bring them to child's room, pick up a few things on the floor in child's room, remember that I was dusting the living room, see my floor looks dirty on the way, go to get broom, take a break and look at a text message, go on facebook for 18 hours, wipe down another window, leave out cleaning supplies for a while, etc. etc.
• Forget things, often. Well, it might actually be less forgetfulness and more being distracted. That's a different kind of forgetting, maybe?
• I learned recently that ADHD is often undiagnosed in women because it presents itself so differently from men. Typically women with ADHD more often experience symptoms of anxiety and tend to be chatty. I am both anxious and chatty. VERY CHATTY.
• Sometimes I do really get hyper. I was tonight. I had to slow myself down because I was really ansty and excited. I don't need to run all over the place, but if you could see inside my brain you would see that IT was all over the place and I was talking twice as much.
• I do not sleep well. Often because of many thoughts that pop up so fast the minute I wake up in the middle of the night. I used to think it was anxiety. It could be, but not all of my thoughts are anxious ones. There's just many of them and they feel very important at 3 am to wonder about. I've been prone to "need" to research gym memberships, preschools for my child, things to do in the summer, what the name of that one guy in that one show's name is (and then subsequently look up like 15 other actors in IMDB), and how I can get a covid vaccine sooner without lying, etc. 

Most of the time I like a lot of these things about me. I like that I'm kind of random, awkward, friendly, excited, creative and often have the ability to initiate a bunch of projects at once. Every now and then these things are a burden. Like the other day when I had too many things to do that I couldn't get myself to do any of them, it was too overwhelming. I finally wrote them in a long list and numbered them, and then it only took me 30 minutes. Or when I miss a deadline or forget something important to someone else. Or my husband has to clean up after me. AND ESPECIALLY THE SLEEP THING. 

Anyway, it would be interesting to find out if I have it. I don't know if I'd do anyting about it if I found out I did, other than the things I'm already doing (exercise, keeping a giant planner, apologize when I need to, listen, etc). But, it could be helpful! Because then instead of prefacing many of those bullet points with, "I think I probably have ADD so..." I could say, "I have ADD so..."

PS. I want you to know that in the middle of writing this, I finished compiling things for a worship service, responded to several text messages, started to pay a bill, and almost started looking up ways that I could get a covid vaccine early without lying (but decided to save that for tonight!).  

 

Becoming Part of the Couch

I told Jesse very seriously when it started getting colder out: do not let me become part of this couch. 

I know me. The cold makes me kind of lethargic. So do pandemics apparently. I knew having no where to go and no longer sitting comfortably outside would make me retreat to the couch I'm currently sitting on... and probably watch too much tv. I knew I wouldn't feel good about that. So I thought of all kinds of things that would be a better use of my time, like:

1. Puzzles

2. Coloring

3. Reading

I swear I had other things on this list. 

But then I got pregnant and became too tired to fight any impulses not to become one with this couch. But, I'm mostly okay with it. I need some rest and we did a 1000 piece puzzle the other day and I got super bored with it after day 2 and Jesse finished most of it. 

So, in conclusion: do what you gotta do to get through the worst of this pandemic and go ahead and do things that bring you joy and help you care for yourself, even if 6 months-ago-you would have judged you hard for being lazy. She doesn't know. 

Things I'm genuinely grateful for that happened because of this pandemic.

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Or at least a divinely inspired kind of reason. I wrote about this before (that's a link, it's hard to tell) if you want to read a bunch of other thoughts on it. It was like 5 years ago, but I re-read it and I still agree with me. The basic summary is this: I don't believe God gives us suffering (period. but also, specifically for some kind of reason), but I DO believe that God creates life out of death. Translated in non-faith speak: I don't think our suffering and heartache is given to us in order to teach us, bless us later, lead us down a new path... but I DO think sometimes those things happen anyway.

So, when it comes to a global pandemic, I do NOT think that God gave us this pandemic to teach us something or bless us somehow after we've grieved half a million deaths in our country alone, or as a punishment or to force us to change our ways (I also just don't believe God gave us this pandemic at all)...

BUT, like lots of you, there are things that I have learned, things that have happened, ways that I've changed and I've noticed in others as well, that are all lovely and worth being grateful for. Here's a list of some of those things:

1. I've spent more time outside than possibly any other year of my life, for sure all of the Minnesota years (going on 13 now).
2. We've done a bunch of projects around the house and our living room looks better than we hoped it would (and who are we kidding we all know that "we" here means Jesse).
3. Lots of quality time with Aaron.
4. I'm really thankful that I was working from home during the yuckiest parts of morning sickness.
5. Regular park playdates with Aaron's daycare friends and becoming friends with their parents.
6. Weekly Zoom hangout with my college besties who all live like 2,000 miles away. Why we weren't doing this for years, I have no idea. But I am so thankful we are now!
7. Creative gatherings with family and friends outside/online. Christmas outside in Minnesota was never something I would have thought of doing or wanted to do, but this year it was the safest option and it ended up being lovely and meaningful. Plus, I never get to see my CA fam on Christmas or Easter, and we got to do both because we learned about zoom. 
8. Any time together with church people is special to me. To see people show up wearing parkas and blankets wrapped around them so they can see each other outside and pray together is beautiful. It's a different level of commitment to each other that we always hope is there, and it turns out it really is.
9. Some of my CA family have been coming to our church because they can now, because it's livestreamed on youtube. Also, people who were not church people can just pop in on our services and connect to community or faith in ways that they hadn't been able to before.   
10. The ease of some meetings being online. I miss being in person, but there is a convenience to Zoom, and I kind of hope we keep some quick meetings online. 
11. I've learned to appreciate (and/or deal with) time alone, less scheduled time, and just being at home for a whole day or days at a time. These are all hard things for me, but I'm glad to have felt that change.
12. I noticed the very subtle changes in seasons from day to day (well, some days they were less subtle... it snowed and was 80 degrees in Oct I think). 
13. I have gotten to know my neighbors better while going for walks. I feel like my mom, who in our old neighborhood would be gone on her daily walk for like an hour, not because the route was that long, but because she chatted with half the neighborhood along the way. 
14. We started weekly "family movie nights" on Sundays. 
15. Some leadership skills- a little more self-differentiation, more of my own voice, making 80x the number of decisions, and clearer sense of purpose. So, that's cool.
16. One day when there is something similar to what normal used to be (maybe we'll even figure out how to do normal better), I am hopeful I will not squander or take for granted: friends, hugs, church inside (and singing!!), restaurants, travel, visiting my family, or my health for a long time.
17. I am learning how to garden!
18. I've gotten to give my kiddo a little bit of my own childhood- instead of being busy or going lots of places and spending money on activities: we hike, bike, go for walks, play games, do crafts, play in the pop up pool all summer long, etc.
19. We bought a patio heater.
20. Deeper relationships with people. Relationships are so much more intentional than they used to be. 

Well, that's long enough. I bet there are more. If I could go back in time and somehow prevent the pandemic, I would. But, that's not a thing any of us can do, so I'll try to just give thanks for the joy I've found because of it. 

1000 Hours Outside

A friend of mine told us about the 1000 Hours Outside Challenge. It's not that complicated or hard, just try to spend 1000 hours outside throughout the year. I'm pretty sure I do that every year. I try not to squander good weather sitting inside. I did that for 21 years living in CA and I REGRET IT SO MUCH. In CA it's always going to be nice the next day, and if not the next day, the day after that. So, no need to sit outside in the sunshine, you can do that tomorrow if you want. When I go out to visit, I always try to coax the family into sitting on the patio all day and going for so many walks and hikes, because I AM NOT WASTING ANYMORE BEAUTIFUL WEATHER EVER AGAIN. 

Even though I probably get 1000 hours outside every year anyway,  it's still really tough for me to get motivated to spend time outside when it's cold. I will always go for a walk. I skip a walk like once every three months. But, I generally don't hang around outside after that. Because I hate being cold. Because I'm from CA. 

This challenge has helped so much. Turns out competing with myself for more hours throughout the week works. I'm almost at 100 hours for the year. Which, isn't a TON, but for Minnesota in the winter, I am VERY PROUD OF THAT.

It's also been easy to get some hours this year because we are only really seeing people outside with this pandemic. And you know how much I want to see people. We've bundled up and gone sledding, sat around the campfire with all the clothes, had church services outside here and there during the winter- just to spend time with other humans. I still do not like winter, but for the first time since I've lived where there's a winter, I think I might not HATE it. That's a big deal.

So, you should try it! Being outside is good for your soul. When I was reading the info about the challenge there was FAQ section and one of the questions was, "What if I fail?" and the answer was something like: "Then, you win! Any opportunity you make for your family to be outside is worth it." So, go outside! And, Californians, if you're still feeling resistant, one day when I can safely travel again and get back there, I will make you. 

 

 

Small Talk and a Sweet Girl Who Loves Unicorns

Aaron's really pretty good at small talk. It's in his genes I think.   

We go for walks and he waves and yells, "hi!" to all kinds of neighbors. Today he yelled to a man walking his dog, "Hi!! My mom has a baby in her tummy!" Last week, I took him ice skating for the first time and we were struggling to get the ice skates on his feet. He looks over at a kid also putting on his ice skates and said, "I've never done this before!" and then he promptly slips and looks over again and says with a shrug, "I'm pretty clumsy. I always fall." The kid apparently wasn't used to grown up small talk from a small child and just stared at Aaron, confused.

Today I took him to the park and this sweet little girl walks up to play at the park. She had on rainbow stretchy pants, a unicorn headband with ears, and a My Little Pony sweatshirt, and she told us she was 6 years old. Aaron looks up and says, "Hi!!!" then he notices her sweatshirt and says, "I know about those ponies! I only remember a few of their names though: Rainbow Dash, Pinky Pie, Apple Jack, and..." And the little girl starts talking about her favorites. They start talking about episodes and some monsters in the show. They talked My Little Pony for like 10 mins straight and they only stopped because we had to leave. She walked over to the park sort of shy and her head down, and by the end of their interaction she was practically glowing and said, "next time you're here, you can come to my house and we can watch it together!" 

Listen, not everyone likes small talk, I know that. But watching my kid make friends with the world and bring joy to people because he is willing to say hi and start a conversation is pretty cool. I bet he could even convert some of you who hate it!  

 

Extrovert High > Caffeine

Everyone knows I'm an extrovert.

My husband is 1000% NOT an extrovert. 

I think most couples are like that, right? Our first real date Jesse looked over at me and said, "I like that you talk a lot... then I don't have to."  

I find it so interesting that he genuinely wants to fall asleep after spending a lot of time with people, because I have the opposite problem. When I'm with other humans I get this extrovert high, which feels similar to having a bunch of caffeine. In a normal year, when it's Easter morning or Christmas Eve and people are coming for church and they've invited friends and family and the building is packed, sometimes I actually get shakey from the extroverted joy I feel. It takes me hours to come down from that. 

It works best in real life, but it happens talking to friends online too. Every Thursday I play games and chat with my college besties on zoom. They're all on the west coast, so I'm two hours ahead. We meet at 9:30 and I always have to leave after an hour whether or not I'm tired, because I know that it is going to take me a WHILE to un-extrovert enough to go to sleep.

Flip side, working from home during a pandemic = VERY TIRED.

WE are not pregnant.

Me and Jesse are having another kid. Together we are. We will both be parents. We already love this kid, we both do. 

But WE are not pregnant. 

WE did not feel like vomiting most of the day for 10ish weeks straight. WE don't have to get up several times a night because a small lil cutie lives on top of our bladders. WE do not need to eat a snack in the middle of the night because we're too hungry to sleep the whole night. WE don't have swollen ankles or back pain. WE aren't both going to birth this little human. Nope, WE aren't doing those things. 

In conclusion, Jesse is not allowed to say "we are pregnant." 

I suggested several times that he be the pregnant one this time around and he insisted that is still not biologically possible for him to do that. 

(There are obviously some really amazingly beautiful and wonderful things that only I get to do, but I don't want to be braggy.)

Here's a pic of our tiny (girl?) human (from today!) that WE love:

   

     

Disney Key Changes

Well, I fell asleep tucking my son in bed again tonight and I'm real tired from growing a human, so this is going to be short.

Here's all I want to say about this: the power ballad in (just about?) every Disney movie has a perfectly placed key change to build it's dramatic effect. And it always makes me cry. Always. Is it supposed to? It doesn't even matter what the song is about, it's something to do with that key change that I start welling up. 

Here are some of the moments I could think of:

• "And the line where the sky meets the sea, it calls me..."
• "Let it go, let it go..."
• "Do you want to build a snowman?"
• "Like a shooting star, I will go the distance..."
• "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me..."
• "Can you feel the love tonight?"
• "There can be miracles, when you believe..." (that's not Disney, but that one gets me too)

Does this happen to anyone else?