Things I miss about home.

I love so many things about being in the Midwest, but I also miss so many things about my first home in California, like:

• Chilly mornings that turn into hot afternoons
• Hiking all the time
• Not needing to own a real coat
• Hot sauce at every table at every restaurant
• So many of my best friends from growing up and from college
• My mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins and all the family
• Good Mexican food
• Sunshine all the time
• The sound of cars going by at nighttime
• My BFFs' families that are like second families to me
• Ascension Lutheran Church
• California Lutheran University
• The ocean
• Mountains
• DISNEYLAND
• Hot, dry summers
• Togo's Sandwiches, specifically the number 24 on sourdough
• Family birthday parties where inevitably someone will crumple up the wrapping paper and we will all throw it at each other for like 20 mins
• Grandma and Grandpa's house, especially their fireplace, patio, and den.
• Eggs n Things
• The possibility of running into celebrities
• The beach, again
• The 118 just before Granada Hills
• Sitting outside year round
• Good guacamole
• Avocados on everything
• Not having to dry my hair before walking outside
• Flip flops as nice shoes
• The Coffee Bean
• In and Out. I don't miss In and Out as much as I miss the opportunity to go to it.
• So many oak trees (it makes sense since I grew up in Thousand Oaks)
• Ventura Harbor

There are lots of things that I don't miss (like traffic, rude people, everything is the most expensive), but that's not what this post is about.

Pizza Luce Brunch

Tonight I went to Pizza Luce with my sis and it was delicious. I had one of the best sandwiches of my life. It was a meatball sandwich on focaccia bread. 

Pizza Luce is great for a lot of reasons. Particularly three reasons. 

1. It's where I met my husband.

2. They have a bunch of non-dairy options.

And most importantly,

3. Their weekend brunch.

They make the best breakfast burrito in the world. It's also the most expensive breakfast burrito in the world. But when you take your first bite with chorizo and some kind of spicy sauce, you'd be willing to give up your paycheck for this burrito.

I always get mine with fake eggs and dairy because I'm allergic and they are so accommodating that they have substitutes. I always ask for the vegan option but with real meat. It's never not been confusing and they almost always make it wrong the first time. But the second time is so good it makes up for waiting forever.

For a side item, you get jalapeño hash browns. Those exist. They also have pretty cheap mimosas if you like needing to nap most of the day after brunch. 

I can pretty much only speak to the meal that I order when I go, because I like it too much to try other things. I'm sure other items on the menu are good too, but I'll probably never find out for sure.

Sermon Writing Process

I'm preaching this weekend, so I will tell you about my sermon "writing" process.

When I first started preaching, I would spend somewhere around 20 hours writing. It's possible it was more. I learned that I'm a perfectionist. I didn't know before, but I definitely am. Also, despite starting a blog, writing doesn't come easy to me, so I'd go over it and over it and over it and pick at it until it was right. Then I'd read it mostly word for word in front of the congregation.

One time in my senior preaching class, I caught senioritis. I had to present my sermon to my small group in class that day and I just couldn't think of anything to say, and the whole senioritis wasn't inspiring me to try very hard. Finally it was like thirty minutes before class and I really didn't have a sermon. I wrote down a few bullet points of where I was hoping to go, prayed, and then gave a more extemporaneous/ slightly impromptu sermon. One of my friends in the small group said, "That was one of your better sermons!" And I said, "you've got to be kidding me." Turns out that my delivery is a zillion times better when I'm not reading. I haven't preached from a manuscript on a Sunday morning since that class. 

I don't want to wing it like I did in my seminary class and I don't think I should be spending 20+ hours writing, so I've come up with a different way that seems to work for me.

Here's what I do:

First I read all the assigned bible verses of the day and see which one grabs me the most. Sometimes I'll incorporate two readings, but usually I try to stick to one so we don't all get too confused. Then I read it a bunch and think about it a bunch.

At our weekly worship planning meetings, we try to hone in a particular message/theme/idea to focus on for the day. We usually do this a few weeks ahead of time, but I don't really flesh it out until the week of when I'm working on the sermon. I keep thinking about the text and theme for days. 

Thursday I'm usually mulling through commentaries, online discussions in the Young Clergy Women Project Facebook page, looking at Greek words, and talking through some ideas. In a perfect world, I would be done and practicing it at this point, but so far that's happened only once or twice in 7 years.

Friday is my day off, so I try really hard to not work on my sermon so that I can have rest and good boundaries, even if it makes me anxious that I'm not finished. I still think about it every other minute though.

The next step in the process is called, "pacing". This step almost always happens on Saturday right after a cup of coffee and an episode of House Hunters. We have a 5:30 service on Saturday, so I have to figure it out by then. Pacing is when I pace around a room talking to myself. Usually it's my living room and kitchen. Instead of typing words on a computer screen in a way that I could imagine them being said, I write it in my head by saying sentences to myself until they sound right. 

I try to put all of the pieces that I've come up with in the right order. Sometimes I'm talking to myself for hours until it seems right. I practice transitions and stories and the introduction a lot.

I write out a few bullet points and include a few sentences that I can't forget to say so the transitions work. 

When I give the sermon, I know where I want to go, but I'm not always sure how it will come out. I pray a lot. I think some of that not being totally certain of which words I'll use leaves more room for the Holy Spirit to get the words right for people to hear. I hope anyways.

My sermon endings can be a little abrupt. Part of that is because I figure, once you've said it, you don't need keep saying it for 5 more minutes. Also I kind of like that they're abrupt. You know how when you're listening to a song in the car and you just can't get yourself to get out of the car until the song resolves or ends. If you don't wait, the song just kind of lingers with you. You sing it all day. I want the message to linger. I kind of want this discomfort of missing this perfectly beautiful ending. Maybe they'll even keep being bothered by it all day? And then have to think about it? Maybe!

The last step is "the nap". This is tiring (and so fun!), so sometimes I've got to sleep for a while! 

THE END!

That one time I almost drowned.

My first summer at Our Saviour’s, we were doing Summer Stretch—a program for middle school students to do service and a fun activity. One week’s activity was tubing on the Cannon River.

We had about 20-30 students, adults, and myself and my friend, Michelle, who was the youth minister at the Catholic church at the time. She and I decided that we would get kayaks so that the kids could see us better and they would be easier to maneuver if something happened and we needed to get to the students quicker. She went up to the front, and I went to the back of the group. We started just fine, but 10 minutes into the trip, there was one spot toward the left that was moving a bit faster. All of our kids made it through just fine, except for one. He must have gone a little further to the left or hit a rapid just right and lost his tube. I yelled to him to get to the bank, which he did, and I paddled over to get to him. He was fine, but still missing his tube. 

At this point, it had gotten lodged under a fallen tree near the bank. I decided to paddle up to try to get it and quickly realized it wasn’t going to happen. I just couldn’t get it free. I had never been tubing on the Cannon River so I wasn’t sure how safe it would be for him to just float with his life jacket next to me, so I thought of another plan to get his tube. We climbed through the bushes to get to the place where his tube was at along the river. Near this fallen tree was an undercut bank; it cut in several feet, and was making a whirlpool. His tube was spinning in this spot and stuck. There was also another tree limb parallel to the fallen tree. So I reached on to the limb and started climbing out on the fallen tree to get closer to the tube. I managed to barely kick free the tube, but the current was too strong to grab it (it floated down the river and we never got it back…side note, invited a small panic to the rest of the group when they discovered we were missing). At this point I realize that the water is deeper than I thought and the current is much stronger than I thought. I looked down at the undercut bank and it dawned on me that if I were to let go or slip, I would likely get sucked underneath and drown. I was struggling to stay steady and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I looked back to the way I came and realized too that it was too dangerous to go back that way. I started panicking and got really scared. I thought, I could die right now (who knows if that’s really true or not, but at the time I really believed it) AND not only that, but this kid would have to watch me! So, I prayed.

Another side note, I told this story in a sermon once and I must have told it really dramatically and at one of the services everyone kept laughing like there was going to be a punchline and I had to tell them a couple times that it was actually really scary and I really thought I was going to die.

Normally when I would pray for God’s help, I would barely ask God. I would excuse God before I even got the question out. “Dear Lord, please help me with (a, b, c…). I understand if you won’t do that, I know you are a loving God, so it’s okay if you don’t…” etc. This time I prayed really differently. I said with as much faith and trust as I could muster, “GOD! SAVE ME!” In that moment I had mental clarity that I hadn’t had just before and I felt like I had physical strength that I didn’t have before. I don’t remember exactly how I did it, but somehow I pulled myself onto the bank and climbed up. Me and this kid got a ride back to shore and played board games until the rest of the group joined us again.

Even though it was super terrifying to me, it's changed the way I pray.

Unfunny Funny Jokes

Here's five of my go-to jokes. None of them are funny, except to me!

1. Did you hear about the kidnapping in New York?

He woke up.

2. Ask me if I'm an orange.

Are you an orange?

No.

3. What's green and invisible?

This cabbage! (Hold up imaginary cabbage, proudly)

4. What do a grape and an elephant have in common?

They're both purple... except the elephant.

5. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Here's a few bonus ones I found on the Internet:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me.

What's Mozart doing now?

Decomposing!

Being Clairvoyant

Let me tell you about all the times that I've been clairvoyant. There have been a handful.

1. When I was getting ready to move to Minnesota, I told people for months that I was going to meet my husband in four days. I don't know why I said that. I moved in at Luther Seminary on a Friday. I met Jesse on a Tuesday. Now we're married.

2. Playing the card game, golf. I played it with Jesse a few times and DESTROYED him. I just felt like I could sense where to put the cards and when to pick one up and when to draw a card, etc. and then I won, every. single. time. If you've ever played, this will make sense to you, but I scored -2 to 4 points almost every round. That's when I KNEW, I had to be clairvoyant. Then I told him that one hundred times until he started saying it too. Sarcastically, like I *knew* he would.

3. Sometimes I think about someone I haven't in a while, and all of a sudden I'll run into them or they'll call.

4. Sometimes I'll count down from 5 or 10 or 3 at a stoplight and it will change right as I finish saying 1. Most of the time that doesn't happen, but the most important thing is that it has, before.

5. One time, we were seeing this band we like at a bar. I looked their lead singer and I said to Jesse, "I bet she's pregnant." She wasn't showing at all. I was right. CLAIRVOYANT!

Tubing and Other Funny Fears

In high school, our youth group would take a trip to Lake Mohave to go water skiing, wake boarding, tubing, etc. every summer. Growing up in CA, there aren't a lot of lakes, so I didn't go tubing behind a boat until high school. Whoever was driving the boat that first time, made it their personal goal to go as fast as they could and get kids to fly off the tube. I did it and pretty much hated every minute of it. I knew it was a fun thing that people loved, but the whole time all I could think about was that moment when I'd have to let go and crash into the wake, lose half of my bathing suit, choke on the water... or worse, hitting a wave and getting the rope ripped out of my fingers and then crashing into the wake, etc. etc.

When I get really nervous about something, sometimes I cry. I can't help it really. I think the build up of all of the adrenaline from doing the thing that freaked me out just needs to come out some way, and my body chooses to do this by sobbing. About 90% of the times that I've been tubing, I've had to take a few minutes and cry afterward. Besides the part where I really just don't like tubing, crying afterwards for a while is a little embarrassing. So, I don't really do it anymore. I gave it a fair shot, I probably went 10 or so times. I never liked it. Still a little scared of it.

I have other funny fears, and most of them are things like tubing- I've done them, they freaked me out, and I don't really want to do them again. Here's a list of things:

1. Tubing.
2. Sledding.
3. Driving up steep hills with stop signs.
4. Riding a horse.
5. Downhill skiing.
6. Cliff jumping.
7. Big roller coasters. (I used to love them, but now that I'm older it does that thing where your stomach is in your throat and I hate that so much)

All of these things have made me cry or could. And I've done them all and didn't like them. Also, there's a pretty solid theme of "things that I feel out of control doing that I'm supposed to enjoy, but I don't." So, I get super annoyed when people try to force me into doing them, as if being forced to something that makes me feel out of control and freaked out is the way to help me. It doesn't help, it just makes me want to cry BEFORE doing the thing, instead of just afterward. But a way that does help is laughing with me, because these are ridiculous things to be afraid of.    

A short list of questions for God.

My first theological discussion happened when I was around three or four years old. My dad was telling me about how God created the world and everything/everyone in it. My immediate question was, "If God made us, who made God?" Dad told me that nobody made God, God always was. If God always was, when did that start? How could something always be? I wanted to know when, how, all of it. My dad told me that one day, I might get the chance to ask God, so I should remember my most important questions. I still remember that conversation really vividly and I am still waiting to ask God that question and a lot of others.

I love to think about theological questions. I've thought about a lot of these before, but wouldn't it just be cool if God explained everything to us? But, there's also beauty in the mystery and the wondering, so I'll keep doing that until I get to ask God some things.

Here are some random questions for God and a few reflections interspersed:

Did Methuselah really live to the upper 900s? (A family at church was asking me today about the people in Genesis living for hundreds of years. I don't even know!)

Is evil this outside force or something within all of us? Both? (I don't think the devil is a red, horned, pitch fork holding dude that also has a tail).

What kind of relationship with the bible do you want us to have? How much did you say and how much got lost in translation and experience? (Personally, I try to have a balance of critical reading, but also let it move me, inspire me, and challenge me. I would not be one of those folks that uses the word "infallible" when talking about the bible. I also think the scriptures are important and living and God uses these words to speak to us. I say all this, but I'd rather know what God thinks about it.)

How does prayer work? Is prayer meant to "work"?

Do we have free will? If so, do we still have free will when we ask you to intervene in our lives? What about when we ask you to intervene in other peoples' lives?

Do you mind hearing me ask for the same things over and over again? Would you rather me just tell you about my day? Do you already know about my day? Do you want to hear it again? How can I tell when you're talking or when I'm just really trying to hear what I want to hear? How many times have you tried to talk to me and I wasn't listening?

Do you just stand outside of time and know what is happening at any given point? Do you know the future or are you surprised with us? If you know the future, did you choose to withhold power to stop/change/prevent the heartache of the world?

Some thoughts about some of those last questions: When I was in college, my professor said that people often struggle with believing three pretty traditional beliefs about God at the same time: God is all loving, God is all powerful, and God is all knowing. As stand alone sentences many people would nod and agree, but in light of tragedy and heartache, one of those claims will seem to weaken or not make sense anymore next to the other two. In the middle of grieving at one point in my life (and my unwillingness to imagine God as not all-loving) the easiest for me to sacrifice is "God is all-knowing." That God doesn't know that tragedy and heartache is about to happen, but instead works for our good to bring healing and hope. It was easier for me to imagine God lacking something (like the ability to see the future) than knowing and being unwilling to change the outcome. Being removed some from that grief, I am willing to ask the questions again and wonder about God's relationship with time, especially as it relates to suffering. I am willing to acknowledge that my brain is puny compared to God and I can't understand things with my own limited sense of logic.

A million questions about life after death.

What's the purpose of life?

Why did you create us? (I like to think God created us because God has so much love that God wanted to share it.)



Well, that's it for tonight. What questions do you have?

Daylight savings should happen Saturdays.

You know what day of the year is the toughest for pastors? It's tomorrow. Spring forward of the daylight savings. When arriving at church at 7:00 am becomes 6:00 am. It's only an hour, but a very important hour. It's an hour when I'm starting to wake up on Sunday morning, not unlocking doors  and being coherent. So, good night. And see you at church! And we can drink all the coffee and praise the Lord!

Is this blog helping me become friends with Mindy Kaling yet?

I hope so. I hope someone will forward her one of my posts and she will think after reading it, "wow, Kelli Weiss, she really seems like someone I could be best friends with. I would love to tell jokes all day and even get our nails done or something. Maybe I could even bring her to some kind of awards show? Maybe introduce her to my comedy writer friends?"

I'm going to keep hoping. Also, if you have a connection to her and you don't expect to share this with her so that the above situation can happen, well then, don't expect our friendship to continue. Don't expect it, but it probably will, because I really love friendship and I want to be forgiving. But understand that I would be DISAPPOINTED. But I'd also get it because if you knew Mindy Kaling, you probably wouldn't want someone new creeping in and trying to be best friends with her when you are probably on a mission to do the same thing. Plus that someone is me and I'm your friend and that could feel like betrayal. How selfish of me? How can I even ask you, hypothetical friend on the internet that could possibly know Mindy Kaling, to introduce me to her? I can, because she seems so fun and funny. Really how couldn't I?

Well, this is getting a bit circular.

Mindy Kaling, if you're out there, I would love to be your friend. Love, Kelli