1. Did you hear about the kidnapping in New York?
He woke up.
2. Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
3. What's green and invisible?
This cabbage! (Hold up imaginary cabbage, proudly)
4. What do a grape and an elephant have in common?
They're both purple... except the elephant.
5. What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Here's a few bonus ones I found on the Internet:
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me.
What's Mozart doing now?
Decomposing!
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