A) dorky B) nerdy C) cool D) all of the above E) I don't care.

Here are some definitions I looked up on the google:

dork·y 
/ˈdôrkē/

adjective

1. socially inept or awkward.
"he teases all the dorky kids"

2. unfashionable.
"why would anyone wear such dorky glasses?"


nerd·y
/ˈnərdē/

adjective

1. unfashionable and socially inept or boringly studious.
"when I was a nerdy kid, I got bullied a lot"

2. characterized by an obsessive interest in something, especially technology.
"my incredibly nerdy knowledge of videogames"


cool
/ko͞ol/

adjective

1. of or at a fairly low temperature.
"it'll be a cool afternoon"

2. showing no friendliness toward a person or enthusiasm for an idea or project.
"he gave a cool reception to the suggestion for a research center"


According to these definitions, I don't quite make the cut for any of these. I'm pretty awkward, but I'd like to think it's in a more endearing way and less of a cringy one. I wouldn't say I'm fashionable, but also would anyone describe jeans and a tank top as dorky or nerdy? No one would ever call me boringly studious, I don't have the attention span for that. And what's the opposite of socially inept? Too social? Obsessive interest, well that's debatable. But my obsessive things usually last a week after I've told every one I know about a thing I like, and I'll tell you, it's never especially technology. I can't find a definition of cool that means what I think it means. I looked up cool on urban dictionary and I regret doing that. But, I'm doubtful I'm cool, either.

I feel like I'm pretty regular?

But, here's a list of things that people might say are dorky, nerdy, or cool, or all of the above:

• I watched all of the seasons of the new Battlestar Gallactica, just like Dwight.
• I swinged/ swang on the swings just about every day in college.
• I took an extra 1.5 years of biblical Greek, because I liked it.
• I was the homecoming queen in college (at my small private Lutheran college).
• I've continued to tell people about that, too many years later.
• I can quote most of Zoolander. And Billy Madison. And A Walk to Remember. 
• I sang in a choir for like 15 years.
• I just bought and am currently wearing a giant pair of clear rimmed glasses that allegedly protect my eyes from my screen. They came in a 3 pack.
• As an adult, I genuinely like Frozen 2. 
• I was the president of my high school youth group.
• I was super good at double dutch jump rope in elementary school.
• I saved my allowance money for like 4 months to get a real pair of adidas.
• I win at Cards Against Humanity almost every time I play. And then I need confession.
• I have MANY hymns memorized.
• I choreographed a dance for me and my friends to perform at the middle school talent show two years in a row (year one was to "Ready to Go" and year two was to a Smashmouth song, but I can't remember which one).
• I have friends who are doctors and professors and pastors and authors and small business owners.

Well. I think these things balance out. Probably depends on who you ask. I definitely know SEVERAL people who watched Battlestar Galactica too. And by several, I mean at least 4.

I like myself, so that's probably the thing to focus on.

Vulnerability List

Lots of things make me feel vulnerable, but they might not be the same things as you. Like for example, talking about feelings is fun to me. I think it's really fascinating to figure out why we feel what we feel. It's like being a detective or something. Turns out that's super vulnerable for a lot of people and I (often) accidentally ask too deep of questions because I don't always realize that it's too much for people. But also, don't make me act something out or force me into playing embarassing games or any sports in front of other humans. Because I will feel like I'm dying.

Here's a (not exhaustive) list of things that make me vulnerable (but not too vulnerable to put it in this blog, because I'm not about to uncomfortably overshare, and also I don't have to tell you everything): 

1. So while I am fine to share my feelings with you, do not back me into a corner to make me share stuff, or call me out in a group setting with guesses of my feelings. That's annoying and also it makes me way too vulnerable.
2. Crying in front of people. I'll do it when my body forces me or I'm moved, but generally, I'm going to avoid that like covid. It's too soon to make that into a saying, huh? Ya, it is. 
3. Exercising in public.
4. As stated above, playing sports. Any of them. I don't really know what I'm doing. I can sort of play volleyball because we played like once a month in high school youth group. I especially don't want to play with competitive people because then they're both unimpressed by me and mad that I'm losing for them.
5. Asking people to hang out with me. 
6. Preaching, sometimes. I'm trying to be it more.
7. Being sad instead of mad.
8. Being mad instead of nice.
9. Conversations about social issues or politics. 
10. Singing in front of people. Especially a very small group of people, like 1-2. 
11. Doing artistic/ creative things, but also being creative also gives me the most joy.
12. Having to throw up. Like that one time when I had to throw up off the side of the road in Washington in the very beginning of our best friends weekend trip. But, it was a *fun* way to tell them I was pregnant?  
13. Large group introductions, where you have to stand up and share your name, where you're from, etc.
14. Doing hand motions to camp songs. I WANT TO HIDE. Or a rap-like interlude in a camp song ("ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party," etc.) I'm cringing just thinking about it. 

A lot of these are things that make my life better and richer, so I have to choose to be vulnerable. Some of them don't. Like barfing. 

Set a timer.

We use this trick when we want Aaron to do something else- we set a timer. "The timer beeped" has mostly been the official authority in the house to transition to something new. It works less now that he's 3, but it still mostly works. He also thinks "3 minutes" is the perfect amount of time for a timer. Sometimes I'll tell him that I'm going to set a timer for 5 minutes and he argues back, "no, 3 minutes." and then I say, "ok, you win kid, 3 minutes." and then smile to myself. One day he'll know, right now he doesn't know.

I'm sorry that I didn't set a timer, but I'm going to do a sharp transition to grief. If you want to pause and set one for 3 minutes, go ahead, apparently that's the right amount of time if you don't want to have a meltdown. 

So, there's an article cirulating about how many of us are experiencing grief in this new world we're in- both the things that are lost right now (like seeing each other, sense of stability/normalcy) and the impending loss of people we love. Like many of you I've grieved before, plenty of times. The first time I had real grief was right now, 18 years ago, when my best friend was in a drug induced coma fighting to live, and eventually died a little less than a week later. 

My memory is fuzzy, but I remembered him being in the hospital for close to two weeks. He died on April 3. I write about this just about every year, because it's important to me and he's important to me, and also Lent (when I do this blog) is always during March, and I never don't think about him in March. I was already remembering my grief a lot this month. The memories that I have have a lot of feeling in them, but also are really blurry. I remember the day he died my mom got a call early in the morning. I knew she got the call because I could hear her crying. I knew, but I just couldn't know, so I pretended like I was still sleeping so I wouldn't have to hear it and I could keep pretending like he wasn't dead. They let me "sleep" for a while longer and finally my parents came and sat on my bed while I yelled at them to stop telling me because I didn't want to know. That memory is really dizzy to me. I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that grief is dizzy. It's like the world just starts spinning? Every time I say that to someone who's had grief, they usually nod. 

I felt that very familiar dizziness these last couple of weeks. At first I tried to talk myself out of it- like no one I know is dying right now, is it really the end of the world that you have to stay at home?, you are perfectly safe at home, tons of people have it way worse, who knows what is going to happen, etc. And those things are true, but also grief doesn't come only when your brain or other people deem it worthy, it just comes. When there's loss, there is grief. 

The best advice I ever got about grief was when I was in the early days of grieving Matt's death. One of my pastors had a lost a son years before. He said the most important thing for him in his grief was to set aside time for it. Make room for the grief. Sometimes he'd set a timer. For an hour, two, three? He'd acknowledge all that was lost, and when the timer beeped, he'd go do something else. Something that brought him joy, something that was normal, something that reminded him that he was alive. So, I did that. I'm not sure that I actually set a timer, but I carved out time for it. I wrote Matt letters of things I wished I would have said outloud, I listened to the same moody music over and over again, I watched A Walk to Remember so I could cry when I really needed to cry, thought about good memories. It helped. The time I carved out got shorter. The grief changed shape, and I didn't need to be as intentional about it as time went on. Now, it's usually just March that I need to set aside time and remember the sadness of the love that I lost. 

Anyway, I wonder if that's wise to think about right now. As a lot of us are grieving again? Stay with the grief for a while. Then do things that bring you some joy. Laugh a bunch at stupid jokes and  play- it won't diminish the gravity of the situation we're in. But if you have grief, you do have to experience the grief. Just set a timer. Maybe slightly more than 3 minutes though.  

5 mins in my brain

The most vulnerable thing about this blog is that people know for sure that I think of a lot of weird stuff. Here's five mins in my brain. I'm setting a timer.

I found a tick on me earlier.
I need to shower again.
I don't think that showering will get rid of other ticks.
I just realized why my camera on my computer didn't work earlier on a video call.
Does my throat hurt?
Do I have coronavirus?
Why did coronavirus need to hit during allergy season?
I know I just have allergies.
I sang like 12 songs to Aaron tonight. I thought he was asleep, but then he shot up and told me to sing Go Tell it On the Mountain.
My leg itches, it's probably another tick.
How do some people not want to spend all day outside when it's sunny?
I'm glad we told Aaron he couldn't go inside because we all wanted to be outside.
That sounds mean when I type it.
I'm so grateful I saw my in-laws, and I'm so nervous that we could get them sick.
I usually have more thoughts than this.
Why is everyone texting me right now?

Things I love about my church

There are a lot of things. I know because I miss them so much while we're all hiding in our homes. Here's a list of some of them:

1. They like each other. I can tell. They even stand around and talk to each other when we don't have donuts.
2. We usually have donuts though.
3. They show up for each other. There are too many examples for me to think of the right one. 
4. And now they're showing up for each other remotely. I've made a few phone calls to people and everyone I've talked to has already called other people to check in on them. One sweet man was calling people and sharing his favorite bible verse with people, because it had been helpful to him in these uncertain times. People who aren't techy have been doing their best to figure it out anyway so they can see their people. 
5. They're good at cheering each other on online. They were good at it already, but it feels extra valuable right now.
6. They love kids and let kids be kids. One of my first weeks at Mount Calvary my then 2- year old ran up to the altar and I held him the rest of the service while he wiggled in my arm and tried to grab the microphone, and someone thanked me afterward for being a mom and a pastor at the same time. 
7. They don't try to do all the things. They do things with intention and consideration, and find ways to include people in the things they care about. 
8. They take initiative and are willing to lead and offer their time and their gifts. I’ve yet to have someone offer up an idea to me without being willing to lead it or help make it happen. It’s really beautiful to me to see people try out things they care about.
9. My coworkers. We've sent each other about a million text messages this week and only like half of them were from me. 
10. We don't have a bunch of old donated floral couches.
11. They care about the surrounding community. They started the food shelf in town, which has now become The Open Door, and TOD feeds 6000 people a month all over Dakota County.
12. My colleague has become a good friend to me. I’m not sure if that’s rare, but it seems like it might be rare.
13. They're really generous. This summer we had a goal of raising $4000 for The Open Door, and in a month they raised $6000. Also, people keep coming to me telling me they'd like to anonymously pay for students' summer trips if they could use some help.
14. Several people started a young adult group when they were in college and they've just kept meeting because they love each other and are mostly in their mid-30s now. 
15. People volunteered to chaperone the HS youth gathering that's happening in 2021… last summer.
16. We did a storytelling & music event that was beautiful to me. People were brave and shared stories that told more about who they are, or offered music that spoke to them. 
17. At that storytelling event, one of the speakers told a story about a more fundy Christian leader telling him some pretty terrible things about LGBTQ folks and he said, “I want to raise my daughter in this church, because you will NEVER tell her something like that.” And they won’t.
18. They’re really adaptable about worship times. I’ve never known a congregation that’s changed worship times so many times and are mostly fine with it.
19. A group of volunteers assembled over the summer with so much excitement about Sunday school and reaching out to kids and families, that they organized this whole, beautiful thing for Sunday mornings with many moving parts and it came together the perfectly imperfect kind of way that seems extra holy. Also, some of the leaders wrote the whole curriculum for the year. And volunteered to lead based on their gifts. I cry just about every time I think about it.
20. Our confirmation students know the general story of the Old Testament and I feel proud that helped with that.
21. We have some seriously amazing singers and musicians.
22. I feel like I can be me here. 
23. They are really kind, fun, funny, thoughtful, lovely people. And I really like them.

This got long. I have so many more though.

Things I forgot to do before we started social distancing.

1. Get a haircut
2. Hug everyone too long 6 extra times.
3. Buy things like puzzles. I actually didn't forget. I didn't think I'd ever want puzzles, but now I do want puzzles. I ordered some online. They are surprisingly expensive.
4. To go to the library and get a bunch of real books made of paper. I thought I'd just download some on my kindle, but I forgot that I was going to want to avoid screens after I moved most of my social life on to them. Now the only real books I have to read are all the ones I bought for seminary. And they say stuff like missional in them.
5. Buy a giant poster board for the life schedule I'm supposed to make for my child. Some parents are being over achievers, but I actually do really like those thoughtful schedules parents have been making for their kids and I'd like to jump on the bandwagon, but if I do, it's going to be on some scrap paper I ripped out of an old notebook. 
6. To go to Costco. I know it's open, but I do not want to go to there. Sorry Dad. 
7. Get more wine. Can I get more wine somewhere? Without going inside? I can't do it on my Cub order. I already tried.
8. To buy a big wall calendar so I would know what day it is. 

I forget the rest.

How will our speech evolve in the next year?

I'm sure that it will. I hope it is in a good way. We don't know how long social distancing will last but I'm trying to brace myself for doing this on and off for a year, maybe more. I sort of wrote about this already, but I realized that I am much more reliant on non-verbal communication to express care than I thought- a hug, reaching out and hitting someone's arm when something's really funny, being able to make eye contact, etc.-all of which are either impossible or don't translate well over the internet. I keep wondering if I will adapt to this new life with expressing care better with words? And will we collectively evolve our speech that way? Or will we do the opposite and after not receiving the non-verbal cues of care assume that we're cared for less and express less of it ourselves? Or utilize gifs as a cheap substitute until they don't seem as cheap anymore? Or some in between that I don't seem to have the imagination for right now? 

I'd like to teach you about waving.

In order to feel less like a crazy person, I've been going for long walks every day. I did that pre-pandemic too, but they've gotten longer. Understandably, there are easily twice as many people out walking in the neighborhood as usual. Just seeing other humans nearby makes me so happy. I always smile and wave at everyone. I did that pre-pandemic too, but I've tried to be more intentional about it lately because I'm projecting my need for a hug on everyone else (but also, projection aside, I really do think everyone needs a hug at least half as much as I do). 

But, this part is so weird to me: so many people keep looking down at the ground and not making eye contact. As if you might catch it by waving. I'm not a medical expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't get COVID-19 from making eye contact or smiling or waving when you're on the other side of the street. That's never been listed as one of the ways to transmit it that I've seen. It's good that we're being cautious of each other and good to keep our distance, but if you've already decided to take the risk and go outside where other humans have walked and are out walking, acknowledging that you see another human being won't be the thing that gets you sick. 

We gotta acknowledge each other. So that we don't become hermits. Or develop more facial twitches. And also because we don't hate each other. And we're neighbors!

I can tell you more about waving. All you have to do is slightly elevate an arm and move it from one side to another side. There are actually a lot of different kinds of waves. You could practice new ones every day. Homecoming queen style? Super enthusiastic? One that communicates we're about to be friends in several months when we can stand close enough to each other to hear the answer to "hey, how's it going?" A wave with the same level of enthusiasm as Daria trying to hit a volleyball? Head nod? Air fist bump? Just a quick movement of your hand that just barely qualifies as a wave? Be creative.

Too tired? In a pinch, you could even do an empathetic nod. Or a half smile and a mouthed hi.

We're in this together. The least we could do is wave.

  

Sing when your spirit is down.

Hands down the most holy part of my day is singing Aaron to sleep every night. If he hasn't napped, he will usually fall asleep in my arms on his chair, which is sweet and fills me with gratitude. His favorite songs have been:

• Jesus Loves Me/ Alleluia (the campy pretty one)
• Go Tell it on the Mountain
• Silent Night (all three verses)
• Jingle Bells
• Jingle Bell Rock 
• Rudolph (we have been singing Christmas songs for about six months now)
• More Precious Than Silver
• Go in Peace

He also really likes when Jesse sings him, "Up Above My Head." It has to be Jesse though. I tried to sing it the other day and he said, "no, that's dad's song for me."

Tonight he was too tired to pick, so I sang a few of my favorite old camp songs- the ones that we'd sing on the living room floor of my friends' houses in high school youth group. Those songs are always special to me. They were the songs that taught me things about my faith and they hold all of these memories of feeling the most loved and grateful. It was the first time all day the elephant of grief/anxiety/whatever this alternate reality is doing to all of us/etc. got off my chest. I forgot that when I sing, something happens to me and I feel whole again. That sounds super cheesy, but whatever. You don't know how I feel. And what I feel is better.

The song that made me the most glad is called "Joy." I've scoured the interwebs and have yet to find it anywhere besides my SLL songbook that has clipart in it. 

Here are the words, the tune is prettier:

Sing when your spirit is down

Run when your mind is weary

Love when the world despises you

and pray, to receive a very strong feeling

and a very strong mind

and a friendship that will last a very long time

Trust when you've given up hope

Wait when you are impatient

Give when your goods mean much to you

And look to the cross on calvary

it will give you a peace

and a lifetime of a joy that never will cease

I like it. It helped me remember to have joy today when I've mostly just been sad.   

Narcissim Test

A few years ago it was cool to have FB generate a word collage of your most used words. The bigger the words are in the collage, the more you use them. Do you know what word was in the middle and the largest? It wasn't a word actually, it was just "I." A little convicting. So then I noticed how often I say and type I. It's a lot. It seems more honest to tell my own stories instead of other people's, so I tell more of my own. I don't like to say things too matter-of-factly, because we're in a postmodern age and speaking our own truths and stuff, so I stick with the wise, "I think/believe/hope/wonder," etc. etc. Similarly, I tend to share my reactions to things vs share opinions, ie.: "this made me laugh so much" vs. "this is so funny." This blog's number one used word is also probably I. I've already said I 12ish times, I didn't count very closely (13). So, I talk about myself a lot. How do you know if you just happen to talk about yourself a lot or if you're a narcissist? I didn't know. So, I took a FB test a few years ago called, "How much of a narcissist are you?" I don't know the algorithms, but I'm pretty sure you move up to a certain threshold just for taking the quiz, and another amount for taking FB quizzes in adulthood at all. I will tell you the score- I was just shy of regular American narcissim. Which was a sign of a relief and some amount of despair for our nation. 

  

Face Twitch

This week has been about twelve weeks. I've developed two face twitches. One just above my upper lip on the left, and another on my right eyelid. I've never had one not on my eye before, so the cheek/lip one is kind of cool. It's seems shy though, because everytime I try to show people it stops twitching. I actually developed it a few weeks ago when our daycare provider was on vacation and me and Jesse were trying to work full time and watch Aaron full time. It was a really stressful week. It took a few weeks off and now it's back. I expect it to last as long as social distancing lasts. Also, I want to laugh at a few weeks ago me for thinking one week without daycare was a hard week. I didn't even know. I hope next week me doesn't look back at this week me and tell me that I also didn't know what was hard. But I'm afraid she might.

Celebrities I've Seen

Here are some celebrities and "celebrities" I've seen:

When I was in elementary school or middle school, I saw Sabrina's frenemy from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I don't even remember her name on the show, let alone her actual name. We were at the beach- Sycamore Cove- and I was elated.

Also in elementary school or middle school, I saw Cloris Leachman, who I recognized as the grandma from Double Double Toil and Trouble, starring the Olsen twins.

I went to middle school with Ashley and Ross Malinger- Ashley was on the one season of the Tony Danza Show, Ross was the little boy in Sleepless in Seattle.

I walked into Mischa Barton at the airport Starbucks. Like we actually walked into each other. Like a meet-cute, probably.

That same day at the airport, I was standing right next to Steve Carell, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS YET!

Speaking of The Office, (after I became obsessed with The Office and definitely knew who Steve Carell was) Stanley came in to the restaurant I was working at, and I was so excited but also wanted to play it cool, so I didn't make any eye contact.

Dane Cook made an appearance at The Laugh Factory and he walked out when we did. My friend Madison, who is the friendliest person alive, said hi to him and he was not nice. Or very funny.

I see Josh Banday on commercials and tv shows all the time and it makes me so happy and proud that I know him.

Shia LaBeouf was sitting behind me and Stephanie at our high school football game. He leaned over us to sign some guy's shirt or chest or something.

Tahj Mowry danced near me at a homecoming dance. We would've gone to school together except that I had transferred to a different high school the year before he transferred to my old one.

That's all I can think of!

Don't Go, Jason Waterfall.

This will be a short one. My fav song in 5th grade was "Don't Go, Jason Waterfall" by TLC. Oh, you remember that song being called, "don't go chasin' waterfalls"? Ya, no one told me. I thought it was a sad love song where TLC was begging Jason Waterfall to not leave, because he was the one. The rest of the words don't make that interpretation make a lot of sense, but I was in 5th grade, so it didn't matter if the lyrics made a lot of sense.

What did matter is that there were many days at recess that'd we'd play TLC and "perform" this song. I would put on my baggie checkered pants and my white vans that had a hole where the big toe is, and I'd be ready. I had the distinct privilege of getting to be Left Eye (may she rest in peace). She did the rapping. I didn't know any of the rapping part of that song, but I confidently mumbled until we could get back to the "Dooon't goo Jassssson Wattterfall" part.

If you were a chip, what chip would you be? and other get to know you questions that I'm about to make up.

Well, we're all hiding out at home and not leaving much and not seeing in person too many other people and reading too many things on the internet and getting too anxious. FB/ Twitter (I've only been on it like 3 times and it was like 8 years ago)/ other cooler social media platforms I don't know too much about are great at sharing articles about COVID-19 right now. Really really really good at it. And it's a good place to share em. I've been on FB a bunch because I want to know what is happening in other humans' lives (also, I'm only on like day 5 of this), and several times I've only read things about coronavirus. I'm pretty much exclusively talking about it with my friends (remotely), and you know what, I want to talk about some other things too.

Here are some get to know you questions that I'm about to make up right now, to give us some conversation starters:

1. If you were a chip, what chip would you be?
2. What's the name of your childhood stuffed animal?
3. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?
4. Do you like bubble gum? Why? Why not?
5. Winery or brewery? You can't just say "yes"
6. Bees? 
7. What brand of facewash do you use? 
8. What's the best pen to write with?
9. What song(s) always make you happy?
10. Where's the prettiest place you've been?
11. If you had to do one dance on repeat for an hour, which would you pick out of the following: the macarena, the chicken dance, the cha cha slide, the cupid shuffle, the tush push, or the electric slide? 
12. What's more unbearable for you: 20 degrees in a not-quite warm enough coat or 95 and you've already taken off all of the appropriate amount of clothes for the context you're in.
13. What did you play most of the time in 5th grade?
14. What's your go-to snack?
15. If no one thought it was deviant or edgy, what color would you dye your hair?

I might start posting these on the internet so we can just take a couple minute break from all the craziness and because I think we miss each other.

Stuff I used to eat before we got married

Tonight we ate some Trader Joe's orange chicken and I was remembering how in seminary I would buy that, except that instead of eating that with side items like a normal person, I would heat it up in the microwave (which is the grossest way to cook it) and then I'd just eat that. Like half to two-thirds of the pack and call that dinner. I stopped eating a lot of gross things when I got married. Here's a list of stuff I used to eat but either don't or can't anymore:

• Taco Bell, twice a week
• Trader Joe's taquitos (I've had like a total of 10 in the last 7 years, so it's on the list).
• When I ate vegetables, they'd be a mix of things from a salad bar that I'd just eat little bits of each day and keep for a week or until things got a little wilty.
• The orange chicken thing.
• "Spicy rice"- this was also a seminary thing, to save money I'd buy the one dollar bowl of rice and then I'd put butter and sriracha in it. It was good, like one dollar good.
• Popcorn chicken and popcorn shrimp. It's mostly breading and so good.
• Buffalo Wild Wings. I quit once when my friend Heather and I were going too often for second dinner and our pants started getting weirdly tighter. 
• In college I ate Tina's burritos (they were FIVE for a DOLLAR) and the salads that they were going to throw away at the end of the day at the restaurant I worked at, and CLU's famous, beloved, and now gone forever "chicken strips of fire."  

It's weird, I used to have constant stomach aches. They started going away after we got married and ate (mostly) grown up food. It's hard to know if there's a correlation or not.

A Bottle of Care

We stopped hugging and shaking hands in church a couple weeks ago. It was the most loving (and wise) thing to do. But, a hug or reaching a hand out seems to communicate care in ways that I'm not as good at with words. I need to find out ways to do that better with words. I need to do that regardless of coronavirus, because some people don't like to shake hands or hug and I want them to know that I care about them too.

I feel this similar inadequacy when people are grieving. I don't have nothing to say, but most of the time the words I can think of just fall short and feel trite. I am good at being empathetic. I cry regularly when other other people are sad. But I try not to let them know that, because I don't want to steal their time to be sad. I think of them often and try to imagine what they are going through and the complexities of their loss and all of the subsequent losses, but that seems like a weird thing to tell someone who is grieving, and again, like you're trying to steal their grief that rightfully belongs to them. But I do wish I could bottle up the love and the care that I have for people and then just hand them that. Because a card doesn't quite do it. Or a phone call. Or even a hug. Or a serious look on your face. It's all trite. I'm not saying we should stop doing those things. We shouldn't, they're the only things we have. But, it would be really nice if we could just put all the love in a mason jar and hand it over with a flower. And then, when they'd open it up, they could just feel your love and gratitude and empathy and sypathy and care and then they'd know that you're with them. Maybe you could set it on a timer for a certain amount of seconds. The less touchy feely people would probably just prefer a card, or like a 1 second care-bottle.

Insomnia Articles

I'm not a great sleeper. I love to sleep, but I'm not great at staying asleep.

Some of it's my brain.
Some of it's my bladder.
Some of it's some snoring that happens at our house.
Some of it is a little one who wakes up at 1:00 am asking for snuggles.
Some of it's because my side of the bed got too hot and now I'm too hot and my husband is a furnace and I can't sleep until I leave the bed for a while because it's not a big enough bed to roll over to a colder part of the bed.

My sleeping issues are multi-faceted.

When I can't sleep, and I've been trying to fall asleep for a while, sometimes I get weak and I look up articles about insomnia on my phone. 3am Kelli always has hope that there's something magical I can do to just fall back asleep instantly, and despite the fact that I've already read all of the insomnia articles that exist on the internet, maybe tonight there's just one article with the magic tricks in it waiting to be read. 

I've read a lot of insomnia articles and you know what the first thing is that they all say? Sleep is really important. You should sleep 8 hours a night.

Well, yes. Thank you insomnia article. This is the new information I was hoping for.

The second thing they say is not to look at screens because the light can wake you up even more. Of course I know this, so now I'm ashamed.

Thanks insomnia article, but YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

And now my brain is awake so it asks, "what should we think about?" and "you already looked at your phone, so the damage is done, what else should we wonder about (and then look up the answers to on the phone you aren't supposed to be looking at)?" to which the answers are endless.

I wonder what happened to that girl from middle school.
What's the weather going to be like tomorrow?
What about the end of the week?
I hate winter, should I look up houses by my best friend's house in CA?
Well, I can't afford anything in CA, I wonder where I'm at with my student loans?
Research the snowball method for loan repayment.
Oh ya, I want to order a dress for that wedding.
My throat hurts, did I accidentally spread coronavirus to everyone I love and all the vulnerable people of the world?
Various opinions of social/ political issues and what do I think about the issue and how would I construct the perfect response and who would love me and hate me for saying it, and also there's likely glaring information I don't have yet (research all of the glaring information I don't have yet, mostly by reading angry fb posts).

And then in between "necessary" 3am research, here's a few things I might think of:
I just remembered I said something to someone that might have been weird? Do they think that I said it weird? Or I was I mean? Were they annoyed and I'm just noticing it? Should I ask them? (Imagine various scenarios and conversations.)
I just remembered 18 things I wanted to get done at work yesterday and I only have every other day this week to do them, but how will I do it? Think about a good schedule to do things tomorrow (tomorrow will reveal those 18 things were really like 5 things and they took a half hour to do).
Try not to be mad at everyone else in my family because I'm awake and they may or may not have contributed to me being awake. Feel bad about feeling mad.

The rest of the insomnia night schedule looks like this:

Go have a snack. And some water.

Fall back asleep at 5:15.

Aaron is awake at 5:45 and ready to snuggle, again. With his face on top of my face.

Take a 20 minute nap after everyone is awake so that I'm not a zombie. Or at least be a more cheerful zombie.

The moral of this story is to never look up insomnia articles. Or how being an anxious person affects your sleep. Or why you shouldn't drink too much water before bed.

Deep Thoughts About Frozen 1

Here’s some deep thoughts and regular thoughts about Frozen 1, but mostly regular:

• I know the favorite song in Frozen 1 is supposed to be "Let It Go." It's a good song, and obviously made better because of Idina, but I think the most moving (and also underrated) song in the movie is the reprise of "For the First Time in Forever." (Here are the lyrics- it's a duet between Anna & Elsa). The reason I think this song is so powerful is because it reveals Anna's loneliness is mostly about her sister's rejection and she is begging to not go back to that, but even more so because Elsa is discovering that she can't actually be free of the consequences of her powers, even if she runs as far away as possible. 
• The movie addresses generational trauma and the things you wish you wouldn’t pass on to your kids. Anna and Elsa have suffered because of their parents' understandable fear of Elsa's powers. And even though their fear is understandable and even though they had good intentions and wanted to protect their kids (and themselves from the number of scenarios that could be heartbreaking for them), most of us would call shutting out the outside world (and literally shutting all the windows and doors) and ensuring that your eldest daughter stay in her room a form of child abuse in any current context. So, Elsa inherits her parents' fear that she could hurt people, especially Anna, which would be the most painful thing she could do (to herself and the people she loves). And Anna lives with the rejection and loneliness of that isolation that she never understood.
• Anna obvi has some attachment issues.
• Hans takes advantage of Anna’s desperation for human contact and love and commitment and avoidance of loneliness, which is what lots of mean people do to vulnerable people.
• While this movie seems like the main theme would be from the main song- to “let it go,” it’s really about finding how to redeem/heal/come back from/etc. etc. when your worst fears are realized. After Elsa is finally found out, it's like a relief to not hide herself or restrain herself/ her powers, but it also means trading in hiding for running away. The real tagline of the movie is "love thaws." Love is the thing that heals fear and loss and hurt, and frozen siblings.
• Also, fear hardens hearts like ice, love does the opposite.
• Do we ever get to figure out who Kristoff’s parents are? Are one of those cutting guys in the beginning his dad? Or are they some negligent caretakers who abandon him? 
• The “cutting song” (aka Frozen Heart) has some nice foreshadowing for the rest of the movie.
•  My 3-year-old likes to play Anna & Elsa a lot, but he also likes to pretend he’s Hans when he’s watching the movie. I always remind him that Hans is kind of the bad guy in the movie and he responds with, “not yet, he’s still nice in this part.” So, that’s an interesting thought.
• They don’t really do much with the death of Anna and Elsa’s parents. Do they grieve? For more than a minute during a song?
• Does Elsa unfreeze Anna or does Anna unfreeze herself? Is it Elsa's love and grief that warms Anna, or is it Anna's act of love/ sacrifice that does it? Both? 
• Kristoff never seems impressed that Anna is a princess/ grew up in a castle and Anna is never put off that Kristoff is abandoned and raised by Trolls. I appreciate that.
• All of the characters fare pretty well considering their childhoods. There would be a lot more therapy if this were real life. And also less magical ice.
• Yes, we do watch this movie a lot. 
• Do you think I could write a sermon or two out of this? I feel like there are some themes I could work with.

Bedtime Planner

Here's a practice that I do every night before bed:

I write things I'm grateful for, then I write down something fun that I did that day, something that I did that took some courage (which has mostly revealed that I have a decent amount of social anxiety), and then I write/draw some prayers (and I try to listen for a couple mins). I put all of these things in one handy book- it's one of those disc notebooks and then I printed the pages.

Here's what it looks like:

A friend gave me a gratitude journal 5 years ago and there was space for the same day for 5 years. I loved looking back and where life was at when I first started the practice and each year after. I was running out of space, so I made a new one with a few extra things. Hopefully I keep doing this for 4 years so I get the joy of looking back. Also, seeing YEARS of things that I've been grateful for does give some hope for the future and that there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for.

40 pics

I don't know why I did this, but at the beginning of the year I thought it would be fun to see if I could find my favorite picture from each year of the last decade. I couldn't pick one, so it turned into four each year. I never did anything with them, so I'll put them here so that it seems like I wasted less time doing that. I still wasted time, but now it's less.

2010:

2011:

2012:

2013:

2014:

2015:

2016:

2017:

2018:

2019:

Grief in Your Body

One time I went to yoga and did a pigeon pose (it's hard to describe, so just google it). It stretches your hips. Once I started the stretch, I started crying. But not because it hurt. Because it reminded me of grief. It's happened to me a few other times. Now that I do yoga once a weekish, it doesn't happen as often. I told my sis who teaches yoga and she said that feelings can live in your body. She probably described it better than that. Stretching your hips in particular can pull up feelings that you've stuffed away and don't want to deal with.

I think it's pretty cool. If you need a good cry, try the pigeon pose you just google searched.

I have a weird soapbox: you have to acknowledge your pain/uncomfortable feelings/grief, because if you don't, it waits for you (and usually comes out sideways), and also it's the only way you can find healing. I'm sure it's my soapbox because I'm terrible at it. I acknowledge my grief for like a minute and then move on.

I have grief for lots of things:
Moving away from home.
Leaving congregations and people that I love.
Needing to make new friends and start life over how many times.
Friendships and relationships that have changed.
Loss of house/home.
When life doesn't look the way I expected it to.
Death of friends, and family members, but especially my best friend when I was in high school.

Sometimes I don't even notice that I'm wearing the grief until someone mentions it and it's like someone put their finger in giant cut, expect like it's not a cut, it's my soul [said with as much dramatic affect as possible to make it sound sarcastic, even though it isn't really that sarcastic].

Here's an example that's present for me this week. Matt died just about 18 years ago. He got in his accident in March, and died early April. Every year, I start to get agitated/anxious/snappy/sad and I don't know why. Sometimes it's just a couple random days during the month, and sometimes it's a few weeks. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize it's grief. That my body remembers and reacts before my brain does. I think that's really cool actually. Like my body won't let me get away without spending some time with the grief.

Also, when I do give it some time, I'm always grateful. It's cathartic and healing, and honors what was lost with gratitude and the sadness it deserves.

I used the 10% of seriousness from the other weeks that I was 100% not serious.   

David Real

One time when I was 10, I was in love with David Real. We were in Mrs. Sedey's 5th grade class. The week of Valentine's Day two of my friends walked up (and he was closely behind them) and they said, "Do you like David?" and I got very embarrassed and said, "No, I don't like David!" "Well, he like likes YOU. Do you want to be his girlfriend?" "No, I don't like like him." But I really really did.

On Valentine's Day, I gave him the best card in the Valentines Day card pack and then I put TWO heart stickers on it. Everyone else only got one or no stickers. I was sure this was the obvious gesture he needed in order to convey that I had lied and that I really DID like him. Then for like a month I hid tiny ripped up pieces of paper in his desk that said, "Do you like me, check yes or no." I don't know if I put my name on them or not. He never gave the papers back.

Months later I heard he had a framed picture in his house of another girl in our class named Dana. I liked Dana, but I liked her less after that.

When I was pining after David Real, I would take sidewalk chalk and write, "I <3 David Real" all over the backyard patio, and one time I wrote him a letter but I never mailed it because he moved to Mexico and I didn't have his address.

It's hard to know why it didn't work out for us. 

The Awkwardest Years

I had a few conversations about middle schoolers using social media today. It made me remember how scared I am for when my kid is a preteen and for whatever tech will exist that will likely have lasting impacts on his emotional/social/physical development/safety/etc. It also made me remember how glad I am that social media didn’t exist when I was in middle school or high school BECAUSE WHAT KINDS OF THINGS WOULD I HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT and also because kids can be mean.

Here’s what I imagine:

Status updates like:

• Watching TRL #torn #natalieimbrugliaisnumber1
• 10 CDs for only a dollar! Signing up nowwww
• I wish I had a boyfriend… (the ellipsis is key)
• Hey Stephanie, I’m cold. Do you want my jacket? No. (and other inside jokes that only 3 people would know about)
• Come to [church or youth group event/choir or dance concert/my house] right now! (with a picture of how much fun we’re having)
• Stephanie, Rachel, Tracy, and Kyle are my BFFFFFFFFFFFFs. I love them so much. 
• Lean on me, when you’re not strong. (and other inspirational song quotes)
• Bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Chemistry sux.
• Just bought a new pack of Warheads, who wants one?
• [Moody quote indirectly and yet very obviously about being upset with one of my friends for leaving me out]
• Dad's air guitaring again. #dishessongs #morethanafeeling
• TACO BELL TONIGHT
• John 3:16

Pictures like this:

(But also, these are on facebook. It took me 4 seconds to find them.)

So, I just channeled my inner middle school/ high school student, who was really innocent. I doubt I would have been as innocent if I had all the social medias then. 

Very Specific Pet Peeves

Here's a few very specific pet peeves that I have:

• When people bring their cell phones in yoga class.
• When people bring their iced coffees in yoga class.                                                              (These are usually the same people.)
• When people take more than one paper towel to dry off their hands in the bathroom. I used to be one of you. But, then I tried only using one and my hands are equally dry. I promise you only need one. Try it. You don't need 2. You definitely don't need 7.
• When people say, "welcome to [insert new difficult situation you're in that they have already experienced]" instead of choosing empathy.
• Being asked if I'm a teenager. Then being told I'll like that question when I'm older when I don't thank them for asking.

(I sound saltier than I feel. It would be okay if I felt as salty as I sound though. But, I don't.) 

 

fav songs for all the years

Here's a list of my fav songs (I'm guessing) since my birth:

1986: Twinkle Twinkle
1987: Old McDonald
1988: ABCs
1989: I wanna be like you (Jungle Book)
1990: That one song from The Little Mermaid where Ursula is stealing Ariel's voice.
1991: Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (Gene Autry)
1992: Born in the USA (Bruce Springsteen)
1993: Yakety Yak (The Coasters)
1994: Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls (TLC)
1995: Gangsta's Paradise (Coolio)
1996: Always Be My Baby (Mariah Carey)
1997: My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion)
1998: Truly, Madly, Deeply (Savage Garden) (bahahahahaaaaaa, it helps if you remember I was 12)
1999: I Want It That Way (Backstreet Boys)
2000: Arms Wide Open (Creed)
2001: Hanging By A Moment (Lifehouse)
2002: Be Like That (3 Doors Down)
2003: Sweetness (Jimmy Eat World)
2004: Lean On Me (Bill Withers) and More Than a Feeling (Boston)
2005: Feels Like Today (Rascal Flatts)
2006: The Thunder Rolls (Garth Brooks) or Where is Your Boy Tonight (Fall Out Boy)
2007: Stay (Little Big Town) or Ain't Going Down (Garth Brooks) because I learned a line dance
2008: Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
2009: Bring Me Your Love (City and Colour)
2010: When You Come Back Down (Nickel Creek)
2011: Don't Need No (Punch Brothers) and A Place Only You Can Go (NEEDTOBREATHE)
2012: Inspite of Ourselves (John Prine & Iris DeMent), because we awkwardly put this in our wedding slideshow and made everyone uncomfortable.
2013: I Am Set Free (All Sons and Daughters), actually all of their songs for this whole year
2014: No Diggity (Blackstreet). Probably not my fav for 2014, but I couldn't think of anything else and it seemed wrong to not include it.
2015: The Heart (NEEDTOBREATHE)
2016: Can't Stop the Feeling (Justin Timberlake)- I don't know if it was actually my favorite, but it makes me happy and Aaron would move in my belly when it came on the radio.
2017: Aaron was born, so we pretty much exclusively listened to Raffi on Pandora... so my favorite song was silence.
2018: I don't really remember, but I was pretty into Shallow for a minute (Lady Gaga/ Bradley Cooper)
2019: State I'm In and Stay Home Tonight, both acoustic version (both NEEDTOBREATHE)
2020: So far, I'd say it's Show Yourself from the Frozen 2 Soundtrack (Idina Menzel) I am not kidding.

A waterbed, and other wishes from my childhood.

Here's a few things that I wanted as a kid but I was never about to get:

1. A waterbed. What '80s kid didn't want a waterbed?
2. A treehouse. I still want one. I don't still want a waterbed.
3. Two-story play house. I very specifically wanted it to be two stories.
4. And also a two-story house, to live in, with my family. Two story houses were for the ELITE. I thought.
5.  A flying bunkbed. I got in my head when I was 7ish that a flying bunkbed was something that I could have. I called my grandpa and asked him if he could build me a bunkbed, because I wanted to have a flying bunkbed. He said, "but Kelli, you know beds don't fly?" and I said, "Grandpa, if you could just make the bunkbed, I'll work on making it fly." I was dead serious. He didn't make me the bunkbed though, for obvious reasons to people older than 7.
6. Just a regular bunkbed. Although, I DID finally get one of those in college. And then I didn't want it anymore.
(Why is this list only about houses and beds?)